Everybody Loves Cloud
by CrisisChild
Summary: One happy, hapless day in Shinra, Cloud's hair falls into one of Hojo's concoctions - a vat of mako laced with a strong aphrodisiac meant for Sephiroth. The strangest day for Cloud ensues. Cloud x everyone in Shinra
1. Part the First

**Title:** Everybody Loves Cloud

**Author:** CrisisChild

**Summary:** One happy, hapless day in Shinra, Cloud's hair falls into one of Hojo's concoctions - a vat of mako laced with a strong aphrodisiac meant for Sephiroth. The strangest day for the cadet ensues. Cloud x everyone in Shinra

**Rated:** T; rating will possibly rise

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Crisis Core or FF7. Enough said.

**Warning:** This story does not follow canon – obviously – and is most likely a very silly AU where all kinds of crazy mishaps happen and are generally blamed on Hojo. Because no one blames Hollander, because he's a hack. Moreso than Hojo.

**Everybody Loves Cloud**

_Part the First_

Hojo was not getting any younger, this he knew for a fact every time he deigned to look into a mirror – or in the reflection of a glass cell for one of his specimens. And neither was Sephiroth, his greatest achievement of all. He was in his prime and it wasn't sure if he would succumb to the woes of mortality like the rest of humanity would, however, the good doctor wanted to make sure that their legacy would be properly secured.

Hojo had Sephiroth was his living legacy – not that the silver-haired man knew this and would have had the mother of all conniptions, if he found out – but what was there for Sephiroth? Due to a slight miscalculation on his part, the SOLDIER did not take well to the company of others and, therefore, had stunted his ability to find a proper female in the vague hopes of procreation. There was no end to the amount of frivolous trollops willing to bare Sephiroth's children, which was not the problem…Sephiroth just didn't have the same kind of urges most males had to be with the fairer sex.

And that was a great problem in the larger scale of things.

A plan was quickly concocted; it was of pure genius, so Hojo thought. The monthly mako injections were coming soon and it was always up to the greasy-haired professor to mix the serum for their glorious Silver General. This time, he would add a little something else to get Sephiroth's biological clock ticking once more – or at least make the boy a little less inhibited. He was going to use an aphrodisiac; rather base an unscientific for a man like Hojo, but he also added in something extra like liquid pheromones from some of the most…'amorous' creatures in the animal kingdom. It might cause the man to become a little irrational in finding himself someone to mate with, but it really was for his own good that he had children to carry on his great genetic legacy.

Hojo would have preferred it if Sephiroth mated with an Ancient, but, sadly, that boat had already sailed. At this point any genetic material would work, but hopefully Sephiroth – in his eventual mating haze – would be discerning enough in choosing his partners. But, in the end, offspring was all that counted.

_Yes, yes_, Hojo thought to himself. By the end of the day, Sephiroth was going to fathering grandchildren for him.

**- - c C c - -**

It was that time of the month again that practically every SOLDIER dreaded: their monthly mako shots, or better known as 'face time with Professor Hojo'. Meeting with the good doctor only took five minutes and the injection itself was a little under twenty seconds, but it was as if a lifetime went by before any of the SOLDIERs were allowed to leave the 67th floor lab, veins burning with a mako surge.

It went in the order of First, Seconds and Thirds, with Sephiroth being tended to privately. It used to be the other way around, but many lab technicians found that things went a lot smoother when the officers went first to get their shots. Unfortunately, things usually got out of hand during the monthly treatments with so many SOLDIERs going in and out that the lab had to employ extra staff, mainly to deal with the paperwork and the heavy lifting (also as extra security). Sometimes, if they proved to be proficient enough, the 'lucky few' would also help during the injections.

Quite a few grunts from the army were being called to report to the laboratories, quickly put to work on making photocopies of the medical forms, sorting through medical files and setting up the examination rooms; menial labour that basically anyone could do.

This month there had been twelve infantrymen asked to lend a hand, among them a bright young man by the name of Cloud Strife.

Cloud had been a grunt for a little over a year now, having left his hometown of Nibelheim at the tender age of fourteen during winter. He had just celebrated his sixteenth birthday a few days prior, an event that slipped him by rather unfestively due to being assigned to patrol for twelve hours straight. But he didn't mind. Minerva only knew how grateful he was not to be in the barracks where several bullies were lying in wait to help him 'celebrate' reaching majority. Unlike in Nibelheim, where majority age was eighteen years old, in Midgar the bar had been lowered to sixteen.

No one could really blame him for happily celebrating it while strolling through Sector Eight in relative peace. And due to the extra help needed during preparations for the monthly injections, Cloud had been enlisted early on in the lab and managed to further escape possible harassment from his peers.

The young infantryman was assigned to handle the mako transfers from the main lab to the main medical examination rooms some floors down. The injections had to be mixed by the lab technicians before they could be used on the SOLDIERs and had to be handled carefully, for mako was always volatile no matter its current state. It was diluted enough to enter the human body, but not so much for anything else. In the large glass containers that Cloud carefully pushed on a cart, the mako glowed an eerie green and bubbled almost angrily.

This would be the last transfer and then he was expected to help with the sign-in tables and the medical forms.

Amongst the open vats – _wasn't that a bit of a biohazard?_ Cloud mused to himself – was one special container that had to be carefully carried on the cart. It was the mako serum specifically engineered for Sephiroth and no one else. The quantity was larger than the necessary amount needed, but it was better to be safe than sorry, he supposed. He was to go last, so his was the only container that was left unmarked. Hojo would be the only one to handle the general at any rate.

The laboratory was a rush of activity as scientists and doctors – as well as the occasional grunt – ran back and forth trying to get everything ready in time. Sometimes poor Cloud would be jostled by someone who wasn't looking, shaking the push cart along with its precious cargo.

There was a tiny spill from Sephiroth's mako container that made Cloud's heart jump, but it was only a few drops that escaped. He breathed a sigh of relief and wondered at the lack of common sense in scientists to develop a way to transport diluted mako without the dangers of having them accidentally spill. Last month the grunts who did the mako transfer suffered greatly, because they had knocked over at least half of the containers, which resulted in the injections being delayed. The blond didn't particularly feel like getting flayed by Hojo, of all people. If he could get through this day with all body parts intact, he would be immensely happy.

However, his helmet was bothering him. Maybe it was the way his hair kept getting caught in the mesh or the small parts of his helmet, but he always felt uncomfortable wearing it, despite it being part of uniform; while they had the choice to wear it (or not) while on duty, it wasn't completely necessary and was more of a precaution against danger or injury.

Since he was not in a construction zone or out on a mission to eradicate a monster nest, Cloud decided it safe to remove his headgear.

Undoing the clasp that kept it on, the teenager put both hands on the helmet and pulled upwards, hissing when his hair got caught. Again. Knowing it was going to be a little while, he tried untangling his blond locks from the helmet, finding that it got caught in a little screw. He tugged at the trapped hair, wincing at the pain he felt with every pull at his scalp.

Going about things with the gentle approach wasn't working and the infantryman had no time to be wasting making an idiot of himself in the middle of a busy lab.

So, it was with great reluctance, that Cloud Strife yank the helmet off of his head, pulling not a few strands with him. He cursed softly as his loose hairs fell down, down to the glowing mako unbeknownst to him as he was too wrapped up in his own pain. Busy rubbing the sore spot on his head, the young man failed to notice how his hair made contact with the mako engineered specifically for Sephiroth, sizzling as the mako burned and assimilated it, changing the usual bright green to a sort of cerulean blue.

Unaware of the special chemical reaction between the aphrodisiac-laced mako and his lost hair, Cloud wheeled the containers to main examination room and left it there for the others to deal with. The transferral done, all Cloud had left to do now was run errands like photocopying release forms and then it was off to lunch!

As Cloud left the examination room, whistling a jaunty, merry tune to himself for a job well done, another grunt had made an appearance. One of the lab assistants had asked him to grab one of the containers so they could immediately prep for the first batch of SOLDIERs coming in. Shuffling around, unsure which one of the many glass vats he should take with him, he bumped into Cloud's cart, which knocked over the mako meant for Sephiroth. The already tainted contents mixed together with the larger container of mako, which the grunt thought would be a good choice in the end.

Lugging it towards the scientist, the nameless grunt had no idea that he had sealed the fate of many SOLDIERs as well as the unsuspecting infantryman who had only been legal for a little less than a week.

**Author's Note:** So! This will be something of a comedy as well as some kind of…romance, to stretch the term a little. Poor Cloud's gonna have quite a few SOLDIERs coming after him. I wonder who will suffer first? We have Angeal and Genesis in First class and we have Kunsel, Luxiere and Zack in Third class. Also, anyone else who happens to be around for the crazy – like Lazard. Or Rufus. Or Reno. XD Will eventually work up to Sephiroth.

So, who should be the 'lucky guy' to go first? And any requests? When I mean everyone in Shinra, I literally mean everyone in Shinra, so if you guys got some random crack (because this whole fanfic will be just crack and nothing else) pairing, don't hesitate to mention it!

Also, yes, not what I usually write, but I wanted to do something different from Three SOLDIERs and a Lady. Hopefully I don't offend anyone too badly.

Thank you for reading!


	2. Part the Second

**Title:** Everybody Loves Cloud

**Author:** CrisisChild

**Summary:** One happy, hapless day in Shinra, Cloud's hair falls into one of Hojo's concoctions - a vat of mako laced with a strong aphrodisiac meant for Sephiroth. The strangest day for the cadet ensues. Cloud x everyone in Shinra

**Rated:** T; rating will possibly rise

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Crisis Core or FF7. Enough said.

**Everybody Loves Cloud**

_Part the Second_

There weren't many things that could have Sephiroth shaking in his boots, except for Hojo though he had long turned his childhood fear into a silent, fuming sort of rage that comes from inevitably having to go see him for his monthly examination and check-up. Thankfully, he would be the last to be taking his mako treatments, but it still did not change the fact that the Silver General had to go meet the old hack before the day was out. At the very least, he could work off the stress Hojo's mere mention brought to him by helping with the side effects of mako enhancement on the SOLDIERs.

The problem of mako injections? The subjects who were capable of accepting mako into their systems became slightly inebriated or felt 'high', often exhibiting out of character behaviour that could lead to self-harm. It wasn't usual with the more experienced SOLDIER Firsts, but the lower classes had a lot more trouble adjusting quickly to the treatments and needed more supervising, which was why the Thirds and Seconds went first. Should anything go wrong, the Firsts would be able to restrain them; Sephiroth had long been used to helping his SOLDIERs go through this short phase until they came back to their senses.

Thankfully, Angeal and Genesis would be there as well, considering that they, too, had to be present as well for their own mako injections. The three of them would suffer together as they kept the younger and lower classes under check, as they did every other month.

Of course, Angeal seemed to be suffering the most for all of them in the way he paced back and forth. His pupil, one Zack Fair of Gongaga, was amongst one of the groups to be going in first and like every other time the boy had to go and get treated the burly SOLDIER was acting like a mother hen. Not that he would ever admit it. The man, when incessantly concerned over something, could not be reasoned with. It was best to just let him worry over nothing, though today of all days, that needless concern could not have prepared him for what came that day. None of them would be prepared for it.

"Happy thoughts, Angeal," Genesis said, trying to ease his childhood friend from his worries. The three of them were currently hiding out inside of Sephiroth's office until it was time to head down to the treatment rooms. "Your puppy will be fine, if I know him as well as I think I do. I believe he had someone he wished for you to meet?"

"A boy named Strife, I believe?" the silver-haired man supplied from his desk, surprising his two friends. They gave each other a look before addressing this strange phenomena. Sephiroth was not in the habit of knowing names that didn't directly affect him in some manner.

"Oh, have you two met already?" Genesis inquired, brow raised. The red head knew that his rival and friend did not learn names for fun, unless they'd left some kind of impression on him. Considering that the name 'Strife' was uncommon enough to be remembered, should he be mentioned anywhere, he must have been quite the nobody before capturing Sephiroth's attention.

"Something of the sort," Sephiroth replied curtly, ending the conversation there, because he did not want to discuss exactly how he and the infantryman had met. There was some regret in speaking up about the strange blond boy from Nibelheim, but it would have eventually been brought up at some point. In fact, it still needed to be brought up between himself and the boy…

Angeal did not allow him to dwell long on the subject of Zack's new friend. "Could you two please _focus_? I'm in the middle of a crisis right now."

Sephiroth did not want to be the one to point out that Angeal seemed to be in a crisis at least once per month since taking up Zack as a student; Genesis had no trouble engaging his best friend in a practiced argument that often had people picturing them as some sort of old married couple. Exhaling softly, Sephiroth sent his mind back to the past as he tuned out his friends' bickering. One month ago, to be precise.

It was a routine mission to go exterminate a monster nest that was located on the outskirts of Sector Three. Urban Development had been having a hard time with construction there due to monsters constantly coming onsite and disrupting the workmen by attacking them. As a show of good will, Sephiroth had been assigned this mission, though he had been in his rights to refuse. However, the President himself had insisted upon his going, saying that it would be good for the company to reaffirm the public's good view on them as a whole.

The general very much wanted to point out that their good standing had nothing to do with him, but wisely kept his mouth shut on that subject. The last time he went out of line he had been sent to the labs for a whole month without any reprieve. A month with Hojo sounded about as pleasant as eating a million used epidemic needles. He'd rather skip out on it as much as possible – half an hour per month was already enough for him, thank you very much.

For that mission Sephiroth did not take any SOLDIERs along, because he himself was already overkill and dragging along any of his Firsts and Seconds or even any of the cadets seemed a bit much for a single nest of Bandersnatches. Then again if he had realized that something was amiss with the whole affair for the fact that an animal indigenous to the Icicle Area was in Midgar, he might have avoided the mess that he did.

Sephiroth was not, after all, completely infallible.

The Bandersnatches were once specimens from the Shinra Science department that had not been correctly disposed of and thus had spawned pups who grew at an accelerated rate and created even more offspring. In the end, this was quite the problem and very overwhelming for the regulation army members that Sephiroth had originally thought would be adequate for the trials ahead.

All five men had been rather unremarkable, but it might be attributed to the fact that Sephiroth could not distinguish one person from another. They all wore the same concealing helmets and the same drab blue jumpers and green scarves. Well, that wasn't true. Back then, he had noticed that one of them seemed a bit more out of place than the others. He was shorter, scrawnier and much more tense than his comrades combined. Sephiroth had only paid him a moment's more attention than the rest, because he felt disgusted that Heidegger would dare send him someone so obviously not meant for the battlefield.

It had been his own fault for going with simply infantry men, rather than any of his SOLDIERs. Sephiroth had allowed them to split off into two groups – three to three. Sephiroth selected one man and the shortest infantryman and allowed the other three to traverse the other half of the underground – plate, really – tunnels that stretched throughout the entire city. It was while exterminating the monsters on their end and they exited the tunnels that one of the infantrymen realized that the other team had not yet finished their assignment. Sephiroth did not care at that point, because, for all he knew, they had simply gone back to the barracks on their own and now he, too, would return to headquarters.

But the short regulation soldier would not budge from where he stood, staring intently at the entrance to the underground tunnels.

He wanted to go back for his comrades.

Being that he was directly responsible for those under his immediate command (if he could see them, then they had to obey, they thought) he simply told the man that his concern was unnecessary and that they should now return to head quarters. And despite the narrowing of his eyes and his confident, intimidating stance or how anxious the other male felt, he still refused to move. Had he not known the consequences of defying a commanding officer? Or was the man just daft?

And he did it so openly to Sephiroth that, for the first time, he was at a loss as what to do when the infantryman announced that he was going back to search for the others, because he believed that they would not simply leave without the general telling them to do so. He had a feeling that something had gone wrong.

A feeling. That man had disobeyed Sephiroth, all because of a feeling that could have been entirely wrong and cost him his career in the army.

But he had turned his back on the general, shouting about not leaving anyone behind no matter what, further shocking him. Truth be told, this show of foolish valiance did leave an impression on Sephiroth, especially when the man – _boy_, he corrected mentally – threw his helmet down in frustration when he wouldn't be taken seriously. People got hurt in the line of duty though – it was a part of life as a soldier, no matter if you were enhanced or not. You knew what you were getting into when you signed up to fight in the name of country and company.

However, somewhere along the way, Sephiroth had forgotten what it was to care for your fellow man amidst all the killing and fighting during the war. He had become too accustomed to watching comrades and enemies alike fall before him that he became jaded.

And then he had rushed in to help, knowing that if he other army men were in any kind of trouble, the blond soldier wouldn't be able to do much against any group of monsters he might encounter on his own. And Sephiroth was right, though the scenario he had envisioned back then involved the young man almost getting his head ripped off by a pack of enhanced wolves and nothing more. Instead, he had the three missing infantrymen running towards his direction and straight out of the tunnels; down the path he could hear gunfire and shouting that belonged to the disobedient soldier. He had used himself as a distraction for his comrades, but ended up trapped himself by a pack of Bandersnatches, barely keeping them away by shooting at them or hitting them with his rifle.

Sephiroth had dispatched them all quickly, utterly eliminating all remnants of the monster nest. Later on, when they were all back at head quarters, the only one who had been injured at all had been one Cloud Strife – the infantryman who had the gall to talk defy to him. However, his actions were to be silently commended, for if he had not decided to help his friends they would not have survived and the monster problem would have continued unsupervised to the point that intervention would be called for again.

The boy had been injured, but not in a serious manner. Sprained ankle and several cuts and bruises that would heal within a small amount of time. The general had not reprimanded him for his conduct and a month later, still hadn't brought the subject up yet. Truth be told, his open defiance in the face of authority was…interesting to say the least. The two of them hadn't had any other missions together after that, but he kept an ear out for the one odd regulation army member and any other antics he might have gotten himself into. There were stories, here and there, mainly through Angeal who heard them from Zack, as the two were good friends. The tales were always amusing and often involved Cloud getting a black eye in the end, but no less telling.

Cloud, despite his stature, was no one to be pushed around, if he could help it, though he did try to avoid conflict as much as possible. There was a thin line between being brave and foolish and he thought Cloud chose a smarter option in terms of staying away from those who would intentionally do him harm.

Like on his birthday. Zack had mentioned that his fifteenth birthday had been quite the disaster and the poor boy had to really fight his way back up to the plate while dressed in 'drag'. Some of his peers had relocated him in his sleep the eve of his birthday and dressed him up in women's clothing, before dropping him off in the Sector Six slums. It had not been the easiest of days for him, though not the most humiliating, Zack had said.

A little while ago, it had been Cloud's birthday and he had been on patrol, so no amusing stories of strained antics there. He was sixteen now, of the age of majority. Would the boy's newfound adulthood bring with him a new kind of maturity? Or bring him further trouble in ways no one could devise?

Only time will tell.

**- - c C c - -**

The mako treatments began with gusto, the SOLDIER Thirds coming into the examination floor in droves. Half of them were already on their way out to recover from the mako high and, despite all the horror stories he had been fed by Zack, everything was turning out pretty good. Though all the Third class SOLDIERs went in grouchy, the moment Cloud had come to check up with them (he had been removed from his original paper pushing duties to work the recovery room with some of the SOLDIER Firsts) they brightened right on up. It was almost surprising how so many were being so friendly with him.

He had a job to do, which was to asked questions of each SOLDIER to make sure they weren't suffering adverse side effects, then send them on their way; cooperative, non-grouchy SOLDIERs made his job all the more easy. Sure, the pats on his head and the occasional slap on the back and absolutely random one-armed hugs threw the blond grunt for a loop, but he grew accustomed to it. Better not get too distracted after all.

Right now, he was with Sebastian and Essai; they were both SOLDIER Thirds and friends of Zack. Cloud did not know them personally, but apparently they had heard about Cloud from Zack and had no trouble accepting him into their group of friends – literally, it seemed. He now sat in between the two SOLDIERs as he gave the survey, recording their ID numbers so the scientist could keep track of everyone's mental and physical progress from every angle.

"Feeling faint? Light-headed?" Cloud inquired, his blue eyes on the questionnaire clipboard. He was chewing on the end of his pen, which was a bad habit he had yet to stamp out.

"Only around you, Cloud," Essai – on Cloud's right – answered, teasingly. Cloud, being used to Zack's own flirty personality, just rolled his eyes and kept on with the questions. He had grown jaded to teasing at this point in the day – and his life in general. There hadn't been a person who hadn't teased him for one reason or another.

"I may be feeling a bit light-headed," Sebastian replied, leaning now on the army man. His breathy sigh tickled Cloud a bit around his neck, but he simply pulled his scarf higher and dutifully checked off boxes on the two SOLDIERs' questionnaires. "Don't move, Cloud, you're perfect just the way you are."

"Uh-huh. Right, well, that's all I really needed to ask. Essai, you can leave, but I suggest you stick around for Sebastian's sake, because I think he'll need to stay here a bit longer." Cloud removed one of his gloves and touched Sebastian's flushed looking face. The older man moaned a bit, which made his decision. "Right. You're red hot, Sebastian. I know Zack would be worried, so for his sake, stay in bed, alright? I'll call for a tech to look after you."

"You're a good guy, Cloud," Essai complimented, with a hand on top of Cloud's wild mess of golden hair. He gave it a good, affectionate ruffle before Cloud batted the hand away and stood up. Very few people were allowed the privilege of messing his spikes up and that was Zack and only because he had never successfully managed to make him stop on command. Plus a little too much physical contact from other people tended to freak him out a little. Especially if they were total strangers.

Sebastian was trying to grab onto Cloud as the blond made a quick getaway towards one of the lab techs on duty in the recovery ward.

He didn't catch the two SOLDIERs he had left behind click their tongues in disappointment.

Once he was assured that Sebastian would be taken care of, Cloud moved onto his next 'patient', another one of Zack's friends. Kunsel, was his name. He had just come in, waving to Cloud in greeting, an easy smile on his lips. The blond smiled in return, oblivious to the diabolical plan the Turk-like SOLDIER had in store for him.

And so officially began Cloud's odd day.


	3. Part the Third

**Title:** Everybody Loves Cloud

**Author:** CrisisChild

**Summary:** One happy, hapless day in Shinra, Cloud's hair falls into one of Hojo's concoctions - a vat of mako laced with a strong aphrodisiac meant for Sephiroth. The strangest day for Cloud ensues. Cloud x everyone in Shinra

**Rated:** T; rating will possibly rise

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Crisis Core or FF7. Enough said.

**Everybody Loves Cloud**

_Part the Third_

It felt odd coming out of his latest mako injection feeling more energized, than drained and feeling somewhat tipsy. Well, Kunsel could admit to himself now that he did, in fact, feel a little off-kilter, but he was as sure as Sephiroth using whole bottles of shampoo every day that it wasn't because of mako. Nope. This feeling...this euphoric warmth spreading through his limbs was a result of sudden clarity - he was head-over-heels in love with Zack's little friend, Cloud.

Normally he would have questioned how this suddenly came about, but the moment he walked into the recovery ward and saw Essai and Sebastian all over Cloud, all normal thought processes went right out the window.

And Kunsel had an idea…A devious idea that would, for the umpteenth time, make people wonder why he had never tried to join the Turks.

The blond was just ahead of him. Having extracted himself from the unwanted attentions of Essai and Sebastian he was coming right to Kunsel, clipboard on hand and a sweet friendly smile on his face that had Kunsel's knees turning into goo. Yeap. He was in love, all right. However, he had to keep his wits about himself, otherwise he would fail his self-given mission of winning Cloud over and that was unacceptable.

Kunsel put on a friendly smile and raised a hand to wave the blond over to him, sure in his own knowledge that he would next on the grunt's list for inspection.

"Hi, Kunsel," Cloud said, happy to see the good-natured Third. He didn't know him as well as he knew Zack, but from the few times they had met Cloud found Kunsel to be extremely knowledgeable on a number of subjects ranging from how to breed a gold chocobo to the exact color of Scarlet's underwear (how he found that out no one wished to know); he had a good head on his shoulders and was always nice to him...there was also the fact that Kunsel wasn't likely to tackle him or mess up his hair out of affection the way Zack did, which earned him quite a good amount of brownie points. "Ready for your survey?"

"Ready as ever," he replied, sounding a bit weary, but otherwise cheerful. He slung an arm around Cloud's shoulders, to which the blond soldier raised a brow to, but otherwise did not pay it much mind. Compared to Zack's usual hyperactivity and the combined oddity that were Sebastian and Essai, Kunsel was a welcome intrusion into his personal space. "You don't mind if I lean on you a bit? The mako treatment's a doozy this time. Not sure I can stay up straight right now."

At this, Cloud frowned in concern. Prompted by Kunsel's plight, he moved closer to the SOLDIER to give him better leverage. Despite their closeness in age, Cloud was still embarrassingly short and he didn't want Kunsel to have to bend over to much if he didn't have to. It was an awkward position for him, but he managed.

"Try not to faint on me, alright? He we have to get through this questionnaire together, but there's no rush." Now, right down to business. As Kunsel's weight pushed down on him, Cloud got a clean survey and jotted down Kunsel's information before he started gathering data.

A small, secretive smile curled on the SOLDIER's lips as the plan began to unfurl.

The two of them were no sitting together on one of the hospital beds in the recovery ward, the hustle and bustle of the room a whole other world away as they huddled close. Cloud was scanning his page as Kunsel moved his hand down and tickled the younger man's hip, causing the blond to laugh uncontrollably. He doubled over and twisted about in an effort to get away from Kunsel's suddenly prying hands. Some people turned their gazes towards the pair, wondering what was going on. But as soon as they saw it was just some army grunt getting the daylights tickled out of him, they ignored them and resumed whatever it was they were doing.

Cloud could not believe this. How did Kunsel know that his hips were ticklish? Then again, were Cloud in his right mind, he would have surmised that the SOLDIER simply just knew somehow (probably found out from Zack). As for why he was tickling him, it was probably Zack's fault in some way. He had likely been standing further back in the line and had instructed Kunsel to tickle Cloud for him, since he would get his shots first. Yes, that sounded likely, Cloud mused.

However, that was not the case. While Kunsel did indulge his friend now and again on some random whim, but today, it was all him. It was all a part of his perfect strategy to get Cloud to warm up to him. While tickling the poor kid to death seemed like it would do the opposite, that was all a part of his perfect plan. You see, Cloud was one of the select few to start hiccupping after laughing for long periods of time and Kunsel had no shame in exploiting this tidbit about the blond infantryman.

So he tickled here and there, changing positions so Cloud could never bat his hands away or be quick enough to cover an area being besieged by his hands. Eventually came the fruits of his labours.

Cloud started hiccupping and Kunsel let up on his assault to admire his handiwork.

Having squirmed his way onto the other side of the bed, his chest heaving as he panted for breath – diaphragm jumping whenever a hiccup came – cheeks stained a delectable pink and his clipboard lying lost and forgotten on the floor. It was quite the sight to take in and Kunsel had to fight the urge to leer like a hungry wolf.

The light pink turned into an angry red as Cloud recomposed himself to yell at Kunsel in indignation. Temper flaring, Cloud looked like an angry chocobo ready to peck his eyes out – which was both an adorable and horrifying thing to see (angry chocobos are not something you'd normally want to mess with) – though he would have seemed more formidable if every other word wasn't interrupted by one of Cloud's hiccups.

"Kun–_hic_–sel. What the –_hic_– was that –_hic_– for?" Cloud demanded, glaring up at the other male, silently willing him into giving a straight answer. Innocently – as innocently as a recently injected SOLDIER could look with half of his face obscured by a helmet could be – Kunsel smiled and shrugged.

"A little request from Zack," Kunsel lied, somehow enjoying the sight of a bristling Cloud immensely.

Hiccupping still, Cloud picked up his papers and clipboard and used them to whack Kunsel once in his arm. There was no real malice behind the hit, so Kunsel just took it with an amused look on his face.

"Well, thanks to –_hic_– you and–_hic_– Zack I've got the–_hic_– hiccups! He knows–_hic_– I have a hard time getting rid of these!"

_So do I, _mused Kunsel with an internal diabolical laugh. _Time for the next phase…_

"Well, have you tried holding your breath and counting to ten?" he added helpfully, reaching out to rub Cloud's back. He got a dirty look in return for stating the obvious. The both of them something so mundane would never work. "Water then? Drinking lots of water helps."

"Don't–_hic_–have anyone me, thanks," the blond stated in exasperation. Kunsel's lips curled devilishly as he named more cures for hiccups, each one more obscure than the next.

"Well, how about jumping up and down? Eating sugar, popping your ears? Doing a handstand?"

"No–_hic_–no–_hic_–what–_hic_–I don't think so," Cloud replied, not knowing her was drawing himself further and further into the SOLDIER's trap. The hand that had been drawing soothing circles on his back had moved higher and higher and higher, until it rested on his neck. Now the hiccups were almost jarring Cloud's small frame and he hated it, which was why he gave Kunsel another half-hearted whack for 'going along with Zack's immature plan' – in between hiccups, of course.

_That's it…become frustrated. The more irritated you are, the easier you'll walk right into my trap…_

"Well, then," began Kunsel, slyly, "there is a sure fire way to get rid of your hiccups, but I'm not sure you're going to like it…"

"At–_hic_–this point…I'm willing to try anything," Cloud stated, making Kunsel grin widely.

_And the trap snaps shut._

Kunsel's grip on Cloud's neck became much more firm. Surprised by this sudden turn of events, Cloud could not fight the shock and surprise that filled with being as the SOLDIER – strong and unyielding in his hold – administered his sure fire cure for the hiccups.

Swooping in before another word could be said, Kunsel kissed Cloud.

There were many things that went through the blond's mind as his first kiss _ever_ was being stolen from him.

One was that his hiccups had gone, so Kunsel's 'special remedy' had actually worked.

Two was that Kunsel was a pretty good kisser, although he didn't like him that way, _thank you very much._

And three, which was the most prominent of all thoughts in his mind as it finally registered the events unfolding, was…_What the hell?_

Oh, Kunsel. You devious, devious man.


	4. Part the Fourth

**Title:** Everybody Loves Cloud

**Author:** CrisisChild

**Summary:** One happy, hapless day in Shinra, Cloud's hair falls into one of Hojo's concoctions - a vat of mako laced with a strong aphrodisiac meant for Sephiroth. The strangest day for Cloud ensues. Cloud x everyone in Shinra

**Rated:** T; rating will possibly rise

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Crisis Core or FF7. Enough said.

**Everybody Loves Cloud**

_Part the Fourth_

"Is it me, or does everyone seem a little peculiar today?" Genesis inquired, looking at the coming and going SOLDIERs with great interest.

Sephiroth wanted to say, out of vindictiveness, that 'no, it was just Genesis who was being peculiar' had there not been a grain of truth in what his friend said. Something was a bit off, now that it was brought to his attention.

The general would not say that it was everyone that was being affected with whatever strange phenomena that was sweeping over the SOLDIERs. Could it be a new side effect from the mako treatments? Or something else? Sephiroth wondered what could be the cause of this sudden spike in strange behaviour in his men for their safety and well-being was his top priority at the moment.

After watching Angeal and Genesis go at it again like an old married couple, the two childhood friends finally rounded on him and dragged him down to the examination rooms and their recovery wards. It had been mainly to calm Angeal's frayed nerves; Sephiroth kept telling himself, to allow the man to glimpse his student who was safe and sound and not growing a tentacle out of his head or a wing out of his back after getting his mako treatment. Angeal, despite his ability to be quite stoic at times, was a terrible pacer and worrier and neither Sephiroth nor Genesis would be able to get any peace with the man needlessly giving himself grey hair over Zack.

_Perhaps he had good reason to be concerned_, Sephiroth mused dryly.

Instead of exhibiting the usual symptoms common to being drunk or high, which included slurred speech, sometimes sluggishness and a tendency towards foolishness the men were on high alert after their monthly injection of mako. Wound up tightly, as if expecting a sneak attack of some kind from Wutai. And it couldn't be that, because he had specifically sent Zack on a mission to weed out all the spies last week down in the slums…

For one reason or another, the order of the classes treated had been reversed back to its original order of Thirds, Seconds and then Firsts. So Sephiroth, Genesis, Angeal and a handful of other Firsts had the dubious pleasure of fielding all the patients to and from the recovery ward, while they kept an eye out for trouble. With the strange edginess of some of the SOLDIERs coupled with the drunken attitudes of the others, who knew what could happen? They needed to root out the cause…

"I don't see Zack anywhere," spoke Angeal, drawing Sephiroth out of his musings. Turning his cat-like eyes towards the line-up of SOLDIERs heading into the examination rooms, as well as heading out, the Silver General took stock of the men. The level of anxiety was high for many of the Thirds who were still quite new to the treatments, though many seemed quite faceless to him at the moment. He blamed the face concealing helmets, which were more cumbersome than helpful, if he recalled correctly. It seemed so long ago when Sephiroth had last been a Third himself. It almost felt like he had been a First and general all his life, really.

"Sephiroth, you're distracted again," Angeal chastised, not amused that his words had been ignored once again.

"I am not. I am simply having an introspective look on the usefulness of helmets that obscure one's vision and the applications of this weakness during actual combat."

"In other words, you were distracted."

"It won't happen again," Sephiroth promised vaguely, eyes now trained on a pair of SOLDIERs that were happily making their way down the line into Room 42. He raised a hand and pointed in their general vicinity. "And I think I just spotted Zack, though I have no idea who the other SOLDIER is."

Angeal, maturely excited at the prospect of seeing his student, turned to where Sephiroth pointed to. It seemed that seeing Zack, happy safe and unharmed did wonders for the overprotective mentor. The burly man's tense shoulders relaxed a bit and he let out a soft, almost inaudible, sigh of relief. Genesis chuckled from beside him and patted his old friend on the back.

"See Mother Chocobo? Nobody's roasted your student or turned him into a science experiment yet," the ginger-haired man teased, smirking all the while. This line prompted a dark look from Angeal towards Genesis, for reawakening Angeal's paranoia about his young and naïve student's safety. After all, people did have this odd habit of disappearing within Shinra and not just the Turks. And so started another row between the two Banoran SOLDIERs that Sephiroth was quick to tune out.

Down one hall in Recovery Room 38, the sounds of a commotion had caught the general's attention and he left his friends to their age-old argument to see what it was.

**- - c C c - -**

Kunsel had kissed him - was still kissing him, in fact. Their lips had been locked together for an undetermined amount of time now, though any amount of time was pushing the limit of their acquaintance. What good impressions Cloud had of the SOLDIER were flying out the window with each passing second. The man had done the unforgivable.

However, at this point in time, Cloud did not possess delusions of grandeur so he was not quite so inclined to punch Kunsel in the face - if not for the fact that the man's enhanced constitution would not let Kunsel feel any blows to his face from Cloud, then because the SOLDIER wore a helmet that covered most of his face and head and punching it would immensely. Having very few options left to him, Cloud had no choice, but to become creative. Considering they were sitting and not standing, Cloud clenched his fist tightly and hit Kunsel where he knew no amount of mako would ever not make it hurt.

Kunsel made a choking sound that turned into a wheeze. His grip on the blond loosened and Cloud slipped away, clutching his clipboard close to himself. The SOLDIER was now curled in a fetal position, groaning in pain from the unexpected attack on his ability to breed. Well, served the guy right for stealing a kiss from him like that - the jerk! And Cloud highly doubted that such an act would have come from Zack, because Zack would never do something so awful to him as tell someone to steal his first kiss.

_Dear Mother in Nibelheim, I dropped my first kiss in the middle of the recovery ward in the Shinra labs,_ Cloud lamented in his mind.

"What in the world is going on here?" demanded a voice. Cloud whirled around to face whoever had called out. For a split second, he imagined long silver hair framing an elegant face that was marred by a deep frown looking down upon him with frightening mako green eyes. His mind went back to the incident a month ago, where he had been insubordinate with the general over his fellow infantrymen and the lack of punishment for his actions, noble, yet stubborn as they had been.

To his relief (and maybe just a tad bit of disappointment), Cloud did not come face to face with Sephiroth's impassive visage, but the burgundy cloth of a SOLDIER Second's uniform. And now he had a dilemma to face. While he had felt justified in hurting Kunsel in order to escape his sudden advances, Cloud had no idea how to explain it to another member of SOLDIER who was an outsider to the incident; he was already mortified enough from having it happen to him in the first place, let alone from the idea of having to relive it verbally.

"I'm waiting, private," the nameless SOLDIER said expectantly.

Knowing he had to bite the bullet, Cloud snapped a salute. "Sir, Corporal Kunsel was taking inappropriate actions with this private, sir!" The explanation was telling, but also really, really, really vague. Plus, despite what he had done, it somehow didn't feel right about ratting Kunsel out for something as simple as a kiss, despite the connotations of it being his first. The SOLDIER would probably laugh at him for being so sensitive about it and then his ass on patrol duty for the next month…on consecutive day and night shifts.

If his helmet wasn't hiding his face, Cloud was sure the tall man – why it was that everyone in SOLDIER had to be taller than Cloud, he would never know – had a raised brow. He crossed his arms and despite the half mask, the spiky-haired blond could feel the man's penetrating gaze.

"You're going to have to be more specific than that."

Kunsel groaned on the bed; Cloud cringed, and then mumbled so low that not even the most mako enhanced hearing could pick it up.

"Private, if Corporal Kunsel really did do something to you, you have the right to report it to an officer without fear of retribution. Now tell me…what exactly he did to you."

Cloud grumbled it out, face going red with irritation as he was forced to repeat himself and the embarrassing incident. Seeing that it wasn't enough, because the SOLDIER was about to open his mouth again, Cloud just shouted the answer in frustration.

"Kunsel _kissed_ me!"

And everyone heard him. If he wasn't so angry at how ridiculous he looked, he might have keeled over from mortification. As was, Cloud Strife was simply annoyed, irritated and wished he was as strong as Angeal so he could punch a hole into the wall. And then, maybe, crawl into it where nobody could find him for the next five years.

For all the fact that he had been yelled in the face by some nobody of a grunt from the regulation army, the SOLDIER seemed the least bit shocked from Cloud's admission, compared to the rest of the shell-shocked recovery ward. The man stood there, pondering over the blond's words, before nodding in acknowledgement.

"I see…" he whispered quietly. Somehow, Cloud thought there was a hint of sympathy in his voice and thought that maybe – just maybe – he would be let off the hook for this. After all, it was just a case of self-defence against unwanted advances, right? Kunsel had pretty much pulled off sexual harassment back there, acquaintance or no, and Cloud had simply fended himself off against an assailant who had enough strength in his one pinkie to knock him straight across the room, if he felt so inclined. Yes, things were going to be alright…

…but then, the SOLDIER had quite the unreadable look on his face for a few moments and Cloud blinked – only to find himself right up to the coarse material of the Second's turtleneck. His voice caught in his throat and his heart dropped.

And there was this predatory smirk on the SOLDIER's face that rang alarm bells in Cloud's head.

"Was it something like this?"

And before Cloud could think to escape, he was immediately pinned to the wall by his wrists and treated to a very special tongue lashing.

_Aw, Minerva's pants, not again!_ Cloud panicked. He struggled against the SOLDIER who had a good grip on his wrists, having them place above his head with one hand, while the other was grasping his jaw firmly. Fingers pressed on each side, causing Cloud to keep his mouth open and allowing the SOLDIER to French him mercilessly. Making strangled noises he twisted and kicked, though he kept missing his intended target of the man's ability to have children.

"Oye! Luxiere! Lay off him!"

"Gaia, Luxiere - what the hell is wrong with you?"

"Someone hurry and get him off the private!"

Help was quickly on the way as several of the in-patients of the recovery ward came to Cloud's rescue – and none too soon as Luxiere started to get a bit frisky. He had released Cloud's jaw to ghost his fingers down his front, never minding the audience around them. The Second class SOLDIER was ripped away from him and Cloud took an exaggerated gulp of fresh air. Hands free now, he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, disgusted with what had just happened. Gaia, just what was wrong with people today?

Luxiere was obviously not in his right mind, though, as seen by the way he was being restrained by other SOLDIERs – Firsts, by the color of their black uniforms, Cloud noted – and then dragged away to another room, that was hopefully far away from Cloud.

Ugh. Kissed twice on the same day by two _men_. Could the day get any worse? It wasn't that he minded being kissed by men, mind you (Cloud figured out that he liked men and women equally at his fifteenth birthday when he started getting wet dreams about a certain, nameless silver haired man on occasion), but it was more of the fact that he felt nothing for them – barely knew either of them, in fact – that repulsed him so much. He had been saving himself for someone special to come along to give his kisses to, not to let strangers just take them as they pleased.

_The next guy who tries to kiss me is so going to get a boot to the head,_ Cloud silently vowed as some of the SOLDIERs who came to his defence asked him if he was alright.

Sighing deeply, he nodded to them, wiping his lips unconsciously with his hand. "Yeah, I'll be fine. Just shocked, is all." Realizing that he dropped his second kiss in the recovery ward, the blond felt a little glum and it must have been pretty evident on his face, because he soon had a hand on top of his spikes. He would have bite at the hand invading his personal space, if he didn't realize that the action was meant to be soothing. His hair was mussed up, but he allowed it, because the SOLDIER looked like he felt sorry for what had happened and the angry beast that wanted vengeance was appeased inside of Cloud. For now.

"Sorry about that. Don't know what got into him, but he's just had his mako injection and we tend to get a little…loopy," the SOLDIER explained. Cloud already knew this, of course, but he just nodded in understanding. Cloud had been unfortunate enough to end up around Zack during the other times he had been given his treatments and he always seemed extra affectionate, too. And drunk. It was actually pretty funny to see him out of sorts, but what Luxiere and Kunsel had done was just so extreme for Cloud.

Still…

"I understand, don't worry about it," Cloud said, putting on a smile. The SOLDIER smiled and the hand was removed from his head. They parted ways and things were back to normal inside of the recovery ward once more. Well, as normal as things could be anyways. The blond just sighed, wondering once more if things could spiral into worse territory as he searched the floor next to Kunsel's bed to see where his survey papers and clipboard went during his and Luxiere's 'scuffle'. When he finally found it underneath the bed he was immediately called for by a technician who needed him in another ward.

Cloud readily agreed to go, thinking that a change of location might be good for him and he hoped to the Lifestream that the SOLDIERs within wouldn't be nearly as 'loopy' as the last two he had talked to had been.

_Mother in Nibelheim, I lost two kisses inside the recovery ward inside the Shinra labs, but at least I still have my dignity._

Travelling from one ward to the next had been a mostly uneventful affair (with the exception of feeling his butt be pinched more than once by hands he didn't quite catch or see) and the time walking cooled Cloud's ire down considerably. By the time he had arrived at Ward 26 to help the technicians there, Cloud was almost feeling chipper and positive he wasn't going to be molested again. And he hoped that the ailing and aching men there would provide a suitable distraction for the awful trauma he had experienced naught more than five minutes ago.

However, instead of a full battalion of SOLDIERs, there stood only one man…and one he did not expect to see there, of all places.

**- -c C c - -**

**Author's Note**: So, it has come time for me to ask for a beta. Anyone who would love the job of correcting my spelling mistakes and making sure words flow more smoothly in my fic; please contact me via PM or through my forum, which can be found in my profile. :3 I cannot offer anything great, except my thanks and you being the first to read the new chapter.

And now, a list, so we can keep a nice track record of the who and what in this silly fic. And so people know that I'm using actual characters from the Compilation. Why use OCs when you already have so many characters to work with?

Also I now realize too late that I stuck Kunsel in the wrong class. Even when Zack was a Third class, Kunsel was a Second. Damn it. Thankfully, I'm writing crack that has nothing to do with the canon storyline, but still…please forgive me for the little mix-up. I'll try to do less messing up later on.

**Character Count (a.k.a. the List of People Who Have Perved on Cloud in Some Manner Thus Far)**

**Before Crisis**

Sebastian

_Used mako related illness to get close to Cloud_

Essai

_Did the same thing as Sebastian_

**Crisis Core**

Kunsel

_Used knowledge of Cloud's ticklish spots to give him the hiccups to score a kiss_

Luxiere

_Somehow used the situation with Kunsel to French the daylights out of Cloud_


	5. Part the Fifth

**Title:** Everybody Loves Cloud

**Author:** CrisisChild

**Summary:** One happy, hapless day in Shinra, Cloud's hair falls into one of Hojo's concoctions - a vat of mako laced with a strong aphrodisiac meant for Sephiroth. The strangest day for Cloud ensues. Cloud x everyone in Shinra

**Rated:** T; rating will possibly rise

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Crisis Core or FF7. Enough said.

**Beta'd:** By the lovely Tobi-Uchiha

**Everybody Loves Cloud**

_Part the Fifth_

_Dear Mother in Nibelheim, I lost my first two kisses in a recovery ward. I hope that I can give my third kiss to someone who actually deserves it!_

Cloud had a bit of a man crush on the SOLDIER Director since first spying him from the group of SOLDIER cadets he had arrived with when he was fourteen years old. It did not manage to overshadow his devotion for Sephiroth back then - although that kind of happened on its own when the silver-haired man coldly refused to go back and help the missing infantrymen on that one mission a month back. The incident _still_ left a sour taste in Cloud's mouth, not to mention left the blond young man's belief in Sephiroth in shambles.

Oh, he had come to save them all, in the end, but only just in time to keep Cloud's own behind from being Bandersnatch food. Bitter much? Perhaps, a bit, but when Cloud held a grudge, he could hold them for a long time. If, say, someone burned down his hometown, killed his mother and hurt Tifa, he'd probably hold onto that one grudge for quite a long time. Thankfully, the chances of that happening were a million to one.

_Try as I might, it's hard to believe in the man when he acts like a human icicle._

Now Cloud's silly - and short-lived - crush had turn into quiet admiration for the bespectacled man who held control over the entire SOLDIER army behind the safety of his desk (most of the time, because Lazard did have his forays into the front lines from time to time). The director had worked hard to get to his current position and Cloud respected that. He was real, he was compassionate, he was charismatic, he was human -

He was also coming Cloud's way, wearing only a dress shirt and his usually immaculate cravat was undone. The signature purple jacket was hung on one arm and a hand was pressed firmly on a small wad of gauze on the other. _What...?_

As Director Lazard came ever closer to his vicinity, Cloud snapped to a quick salute. While not in charge of the regulation army, Lazard was still a Shinra executive and, therefore, Cloud's superior; his mere presence demanded respect.

"Sir!" Cloud greeted, stopping the director in his tracks. The older man regarded the infantryman for a few moments, before nodding to him in acknowledgement.

"At ease," Lazard said smoothly, a small smile twitching at his lips. He then hissed in pain, doubling over a bit as he clutched his arm. It startled Cloud and he immediately stepped forward to steady the man with his hands. The private's blue eyes were as wide as saucers, concern for the director's well-being shining within their depths. Just what exactly happened? After a few moments, Lazard regained his composure and stood tall once more. An off-hand statement left the man's lips, "I should have expected the burn..."

_Burn...? What does he mean by that?_ Cloud thought as he pulled himself away. However, Lazard's hands grasped onto him. "S-sir?"

Realizing what he was doing, Lazard released the young man from his hold and took a slow step back.

"Excuse me...private. I'm...not myself right now." There was a heavy frown on the director's lips; he also looked every bit as confused as Cloud felt. "I suppose this is what I get for trying to walk a mile in my SOLDIERs' boots."

"I don't understand, sir."

Lazard smiled down patiently at Cloud – an expression which made Cloud bristle and feel warm at the same time, although with all that had happened earlier, he was leaning slightly more towards bristling. The last guy who had basically molested him had been looking pretty kind himself, right before he gave him the mother of all kisses. It wasn't the director's fault he felt this way right now, though, so the spiky-haired teen just smiled back as sincerely as possible.

"Your name, private?" he asked.

"Private Cloud Strife, sir!" chirped Cloud.

"Cloud Strife…" Lazard tried, Cloud's name rolling off of his tongue in the most elegant of ways. As if liking how it sounded, the executive nodded, filing away the name of the boy in front of him. "Well, Private Strife, today is the day I allowed myself to be treated withmako to better understand my SOLDIERs and their grievances. It has often come to my attention that the recovery rate after an injection of mako is below satisfactory. And the side effects–" The executive hissed softly in pain once more, head bowed as he tried to deal with the foreign substance now flowing through his veins and influencing his body. For a first timer, he wasn't doing so bad and was taking to his first interactions with mako rather well.

Still, Cloud could not help but feel sorry for the older man and came to help him stay upright. There was no one else in this ward, get rid of this comma except for the two of them and Cloud wondered if there was a reason for that. Probably so that the director could have a bit of privacy as he suffered the intense burn of mako. If the man wasn't sympathetic before, he would most definitely be now. Lazard did _not_ look comfortable.

"Sir, do you require assistance?" Cloud offered.

Lazard smiled, nodding at the boy. "That...would be most appreciated."

**- -c C c - -**

There had been a disturbance in Ward 38 between three Third class SOLDIERs. Corporals Johnson and David had been ganging up on their fellow SOLDIER, Bren, overpowering him and molesting him as Bren kicked and struggled against the two of them. The others in the room had tried their hand at separating them, but had problems wrestling the two off of Bren, without doing the offenders any harm. Sephiroth had no such qualms and pretty much took them by the scruff of their shirts, lifting the two perpetrators off of Bren.

Strangely enough, both of the SOLDIERs in his grasp tried to attack him, which forced the general into taking drastic action lest the two hurt themselves (or himself) and knocked them out. It was perplexing that neither men seemed to be in a right state of mind, until he was reminded of where he was and what was happening, as well as what he had been pondering over the last while: The mako treatments.

Bren stood up, rubbing a hand through his short and somewhat spiked up hair, grumbling about men who couldn't handle their mako. His fellow SOLDIERs – who were in their right minds, it seemed – were asking if he was alright. Despite what had occurred, the blond man just laughed it off, albeit nervously. A small order to be briefed on the happenings in the last few moments gave him a little explanation, until a string of events following Bren's assault brought it all together.

Something was definitely going on and it wasn't the usual 'mako madness' side effects.

Another disturbance brought Sephiroth out of Ward 38 and into Ward 37, where similar situation had brewed, only this time half of the men inside were going against the other half, a quarter of them injured blond men without the usual visors on. It took a good five minutes to knock out all the necessary parties, before the general heard another fight breaking out in the neighbouring ward. Mako injection time had always been the busiest and craziest time of the month for Sephiroth, but this was ridiculous!

There, Genesis and Angeal had already appeared on the scene, keeping the peace to the best of their ability. Well, Angeal did. Genesis was having his fun toying with the offender by making him dance to the fireballs he conjured, whereas his comrade had his hands full with the offended and…keeping the man's pants up?

**- -c C c - -**

There were three sets of elevators in the Shinra building. One went from the main lobby all the way to the sixtieth, where the lower departments were that were accessible to the public were located, along with the guided tour of the small museum that was filled with Shinra's technological triumphs. The second was a carefully guarded elevator used exclusively by upper military personnel, executives and the Turks. The third was a lesser known one that was used more or less as a lift within the Shinra laboratories by dear old Hojo, but no one really cared for its use and would rather not want to know what kind of monstrosities it carried on a regular basis.

The current elevator in question at the moment was the one being used by one Cloud Strife, private in the regulation army and one Lazard Deusericus, director of SOLDIER and was one reserved for the upper echelons of Shinra. The older man was leaning on the shorter man, his arm slung around Cloud's shoulders, whereas young Cloud had his arm supporting the ill executive with an arm around Lazard's waist. The two made quite the pair.

Lazard was surprisingly amicable during their slow descent to his office and Cloud found himself relaxing a little as he held a small, soft elevator conversation with the man. His manners were refined, yet casual at the same time, which made Cloud feel more at ease than awkward. No one had entered the elevator thus far, so their talk was almost intimate and friendly, if not for the circumstances of which they came.

Still, Cloud felt it was quite nice and was sorry to have that interrupted by the telltale ding of the elevator. They had stopped and someone got on with them.

"Careful, sir," Cloud murmured. He gently manoeuvred Lazard and himself to the side to allow the portly newcomer some room inside the small elevator.

"Ho, ho, ho, ho. Don't mind me now," said the balding man, his tone rather jolly. He stood right beside Cloud, hands behind his back as he grinned at Cloud who, instinctively, pressed a little closer to Lazard. In turn, the arm that was around the grunt's shoulder was squeezed protectively, or so Cloud thought.

_Dear Mother in Nibelheim, my man crush is coming back. Wonderful._

"Palmer," Lazard greeted with a nod.

"Lazard," Palmer returned quickly, not keeping eye contact with the tall blond for long.

The rest of the ride down had an uncomfortable air to it, mainly because after the two executives greeted one another, Palmer's attention was turned towards Cloud. The soldier did his best not to seem too nervous or agitated for Lazard's sake and answered any questions sent his way. Why Palmer was talking to him and not the SOLDIER director who was leaning on him was anyone's guess, but the reason began to become clearer with every passing question.

"So, are you new here?" Palmer asked, smiling rather creepily at Cloud. Just his luck that the two of them were the same height – just a turn of his head and he would be face-to-face with the obese executive. Just what was he executive of, anyways? The infantryman was sure he had memorized all the members of Shinra's board, but this tub of lard just didn't click in his head for some reason.

"No, sir, been here at least two years now," Cloud replied softly, keeping his face forward and just a little bit up. The numbers of the elevator lit one by one as they moved at a snail's pace. Shouldn't the executive elevator move faster than this, he thought, his irritation from earlier returning. The young man did well in keeping still and not bouncing on the balls of his feet, which was a habit he had picked up from Zack, though Cloud did his best to repress it.

Palmer giggled – giggled – an action which made his whole body jiggle pressed a little closer to Cloud and he could smell the scent of three day old grease emanating from his beige suit. Yuck. Gross. The director was probably used to the smell though, because he did not seem the least bit fazed by the smell or the old man's presence. Lazard's hold tightened a bit.

"Really? How come I've never seen you before? I'm sure…I would have noticed…someone like you…"

_Please stop talking to me, please stop talking to me, please stop talking to me – Oscar-Mike-Golf, why won't he stop talking to me?_

"Cloud here is part of the regulation army," the SOLDIER director supplied, eyes set on the elevator doors and his expression politely blank. Somehow, Lazard could pull off such a look.

"Oooh. Cloud, eh? That's a pretty name."

_Say what?_

The infantryman stiffened then, alarm bells going off in his head as he unconsciously moved closer towards Lazard. The elevator seemed smaller than it already was, made smaller by the fact that Palmer did not know the meaning of personal space. There was an odd look on the old man's face that Cloud did not like and he glared at the glowing numbers, willing for them to descend faster.

"It is rather uncommon," Lazard noted calmly. Either he was ignorant of Palmer's looks or was simply ignoring them, the director had on a pretty good poker face that Cloud wished he had, too. Because if things got any more awkward, Cloud was very much liable to do something he'd re—

_Whiskey-Tango-Foxtrot!_

A palm, hot and thick was on his bottom and it squeezed, making a chill run up Cloud's spine; it was not the director's and it only left the only other occupant of the elevator as the culprit who was feeling him up. The sensation of the grope was very unwelcomed, especially considering what had happened earlier in the medical wards with the SOLDIERs. Cloud had promised to give a boot to the head to the next idiot who kissed him, however, Palmer was only copping a feel and spiky blond was pretty sure that if he drop kicked the man he'd be tried for treason faster than you could say 'Kalm Fried Chocobo'.

But still…but still…

"You know, we're always looking for nice, vibrant young ladies in the Space Program…"

Cloud stared at Palmer, horror clearly written on his face.

_Oh, no he didn't! The rat bastard thinks I'm a _**woman**_!_

Now, ever since the first beginning of Mama Strife's pregnancy, the woman had wished dearly for a little girl with sunshine gold hair and eyes the color of the sky. A pretty little thing in which she could dress up to her heart's content and to love and care for right until she fell in love with the right man and became a woman Mama Strife would have been proud to have raised. When the day came for the delivery, Mama Strife had only been marginally disappointed; her baby had been beautiful and healthy and held all the traits similar to her own with gold hair and eyes and blue as forget-me-nots. However, the child had been a boy, but that was alright. Mama Strife was happy to have been gifted with such a sweet looking child for a son.

Cloud Strife hadn't been so thrilled, especially when he got older, because he was often picked on for being so blasted effeminate. Even now that he had reached puberty and his voice had dropped an octave from its former squeak, his face shape was still reminiscent of his mother's and his form was as petite as any woman's. It was highly unfair, Cloud always thought, and this led to him having a complex concerning his looks.

And so whenever someone mistook him for a girl or mentioned his girly appearance he usually flew off the handle.

Nibelheim hath no fury like a Cloud emasculated.

However, the storm of fury that would have been Cloud telling Palmer off (and then sticking his boot up where the sun don't shine), Lazard finally stepped in with a cool smile and a tug that pulled Cloud out of Palmer's reach and into the director's firm chest. Face having already been red from growing anger it was now flushed due to embarrassment because of the inappropriate distance between himself and Lazard. By which there was none now, because Cloud's nose was practically digging into the man's dress shirt, which still held the scent of expensive cologne and a hint of smoke.

"I'll thank you for not trying to lure our _men_ from their proper posts in the army with empty words, Palmer," Lazard said, looking and sounding all pleasant, though the air around him seemed to have gone down a few degrees. There was something rather chilling about the bespectacled man at the moment, as he had his arm wrapped around Cloud's smaller frame, lips upturned in the politest of smiles. Palmer was pale as he met Lazard's happily icy gaze, although what had him go white as a sheet was not the piercing look he got.

Oh, no. What had Palmer suddenly bashing the 'OPEN' button as he sweat buckets was the fact that he had hit on and groped a male. A _male_. Little did many of the board know (except, perhaps, the leader of the Turks), but, once upon a time, Palmer had gone to the Honey Bee Inn in the past for some fun and wound up highly traumatized by a woman who wasn't a woman, _if you know what I mean_. A trap, many had called the succulent, nubile looking Alexis Darling and one Palmer had promised never to fall into again.

There were tears of horror that fell down Palmer's face as he raced out of the elevator, too glad to leave behind Lazard and Cloud to themselves.

Lazard chuckled and Cloud was a little miffed, but when he felt the arm tighten around his shoulders again, he had to look up at the man who had saved him from being molested (and possibly being fired) with something akin to awe.

"Ah…thank you, sir."

A smile was Cloud's reward and he looked down at the floor, moving himself so that the two of them were back in their former positions, though the director was looking less ill now and needed to lean less on Cloud's shoulder. Their floor arrived quickly and they disembarked together towards Lazard's office, with the executive smiling speculatively to himself and Cloud fighting a fluttering in his stomach.

_Dear Mother in Nibelheim, your son's man crush is returning in full force. He's not sure how he feels about that._

**- -c C c - -**

"Report," Sephiroth said sharply, eyeing all present in the recovery room. Genesis, still creating a sick ballet of fire and men, looked over his shoulder at the Silver General, smirking.

"Ah, the hero appears at last…"

"Save it, Genesis," Angeal snapped, clearly having no patience at the moment. Whether it was because he was holding up another man's pants for him or because he had lost sight of his student – who knew. "We've got something going on here and I, for one, want to get it out of the way as soon as possible."

Finishing up on his punishment for the offending SOLDIER, Genesis wrapped things up by casting Sleep on him and allowed medics to cart him off to a more solitary room where he wouldn't hurt anyone including himself. "Yes, there has been this odd trend we've been noticing in the wards…I'm sure you've noticed it, too, Sephiroth."

Of course Sephiroth noticed it – it was kind of hard not to _notice_: his SOLDIERs were going mad. Why was the question and the answer, thus far, was that they were being triggered at the sight of blond hair. Each occurrence that the general had intervened in involved at least one SOLDIER without his helmet on, which would have normally hidden their golden hued hair. That was the key here, he knew, but it raised yet another question of why this was relevant. And not everyone was affected; only a select few gave in to 'Gold Dementia', Genesis dubbed it. The ratio of those acting strangely and those experiencing the normal symptoms of their mako treatments varied from ward to ward, so it would be a bit difficult to pinpoint the origins of this strange behaviour.

"Sephiroth, you're not paying attention again," Angeal stated exasperatedly, to which Sephiroth gave his usual reply.

"I will endeavour to not let this happen again."

"You say that every time you have an introspective moment," Angeal remarked, rolling his eyes. The SOLDIER he had helped to keep their decency was off now in a new set of pants donated graciously by the medical staff, so now he was free to discuss with his friends. "At any rate, we have a problem. I say we split up and look for clues before it's our turn in the queue. The Seconds are up now, right?"

Genesis nodded. "Indeed. Thus far we've been dealing with violently amorous Thirds going after blonds and I wouldn't be surprised if some Seconds started popping up making advances on their fairer comrades. Makes you glad you're as gray as an old man, aren't you, Sephiroth?"

Despite the obvious jab in those words, the general was secretly very happy that he was, in fact, not a blond at the moment or afflicted with whatever mental disease had taken over his men. He had heard of mental degradation before within the military ranks due to stress and bad health and knew how to deal with it when it arose. Sephiroth was confident that he would never lose it so completely as the SOLDIERs today, had, but to have it aimed at him because of hair color? He could barely stand his fans. At any rate, the only blond he had on his mind, if at all, was one who did not seem the type to throw himself down at his feet and kiss the ground he walked on…

"Sephiroth…"

"Right then. We'll split up. Angeal, take the examination rooms and see if any of the mako has been tainted. If there are strange side effects cropping up within the SOLDIERs, it is most likely there. Genesis, check the wards and see if anyone else is exuding the same symptoms and quarantine them. We don't know how long these new side effects will last and, as for me…"

A sigh escaped Sephiroth's lips as a memory came to mind, one that he cursed himself for forgetting so easily. The man must be feeling the length of the day, despite it being only noon, if he was forgetting something as important as this one task he had been handed…

"…I will go fetch Director Lazard. Today, the director was supposed to be receiving a mako treatment and with his…coloring, I am concerned for his welfare." That's right, Lazard was blond and, unlike the others on this floor, would be unable to defend himself from wayward, AWOL, amorous SOLDIERs. In a dangerous situation like this, the director's safety took precedence over everything else.

"Is everyone clear on what they have to do?"

A nod from each man was all that was needed before the three friends went their separate ways. Angeal to the mako treatment rooms, Genesis to the recovery rooms and Sephiroth to find Lazard who, according to one technician, had already left for his office with the help of a cadet…one described as having very impressionable golden hair that oddly reminded the technician of a chocobo…

**- -c C c - -**

The office was not all that Cloud thought it would be. It was all metal, projection screens with schematics and maps, metal cabinets and the only thing that seemed personalized was the wooden desk in the middle of it, which did not match the rest of the austere decor. The air was cool and the spacious room was quiet and extremely out of the way – so very much detached from the rest of the company, though it was an integral part of it. It was a lonely place to be, Cloud thought, but Lazard had fought to get this position all by himself, so it was probably fitting.

This was Cloud's impression of Lazard's office as he led the man in by the elbow. They sat him down on his chair and the grunt waited as the executive made himself comfortable.

Cloud inquired if Lazard needed anything before he left and Lazard politely declined him with a wave of his hand and a pleasant smile.

The teen smiled back, nodding his head courteously, saying, "Of course."

He turned to leave and his wrist was suddenly ensnared.

Cloud had promised himself that whoever got his third kiss, it would be someone who deserved it and if it were anyone else, but Lazard at that moment…well, they would have received a boot to the head. Cloud did not know if it was because of the lonely atmosphere of the office and its owner or his old, short-lived crush swimming back to the surface of his heart, however, when Lazard's lips brushed his own in the most chaste kiss he had that day, he did not fight back.

_Dear Mother in Nibelheim, I gave my third kiss away to my old crush. I don't regret it._

**- -c C c - -**

**Author's Note**: Did I manage to traumatize you all? Excellent. BD When I said Cloud x everyone in Shinra, I meant Cloud x 'everyone and their grandmother' in Shinra. I am going to stick every conceivable pairing that I humanly can in this, just because I am one sick mofo.

Also, a quick clarification: 'SOLDIER', all in caps, means they're the mako-enhanced men of Shinra who run around and wave swords; examples are Sephiroth, Angeal, Genesis, Zack, etc. And 'soldier' refers to the regulation army which are full of unenhanced men (and women) who have either been conscripted into joining, joined on their own, or were booted out of the SOLDIER program with nowhere else to go.

Also, Whiskey-Tango-Foxtrot is military alphabet speak. Look it up. It's quite fun to use.

And crap. It went from crazy trauma to mush at the end of this chapter. XD I will _rectify_ that soon!

**Character Count (a.k.a. the List of People Who Have Perved on Cloud in Some Manner Thus Far)**

**Before Crisis**

Sebastian

_Used mako related illness to get close to Cloud_

Essai

_Did the same thing as Sebastian_

**Crisis Core**

Kunsel

_Used knowledge of Cloud's ticklish spots to give him the hiccups to score a kiss_

Luxiere

_Somehow used the situation with Kunsel to French the daylights out of Cloud_

Lazard

_Surprise kiss!_

**Final Fantasy VII**

Palmer

_Felt Cloud up in the elevator – in his defence, he thought Cloud was a girl_


	6. Part the Sixth

**Title:** Everybody Loves Cloud

**Author:** CrisisChild

**Summary:** One happy, hapless day in Shinra, Cloud's hair falls into one of Hojo's concoctions - a vat of mako laced with a strong aphrodisiac meant for Sephiroth. The strangest day for Cloud ensues. Cloud x everyone in Shinra

**Rated:** T; rating will possibly rise

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Crisis Core or FF7. Enough said.

**Beta'd:**

**Author's Note:** Sephiroth is hard to write for. Just to let you guys know. He's the reason it took me so long to write this chapter. Every time he arrived in a scene I'd get writer's block!

**Everybody Loves Cloud**

_Part the Sixth_

Despite what you may think, Shinra was filled with cheapskates in _every_ department.

Especially in the Department of Finance which was, unanimously decided, more cutthroat, ominous and dangerous to any Shinra employee's health than the Department of Administrative Research. In fact, if one mentioned the name of the head of accounting (hereby to be known as Brad from Accounting) any active Turk within twenty feet would run away screaming for their mother. Considering that most of the Turks were orphans, for one reason or another, they usually just ran away screaming for their beer.

The fact that remains is that if one could not conceivably come up with a very good reason for, say, full building maintenance every month instead of the yearly maintenance check the Department of Finance would authorize, it would never be done. And even if someone managed to get the go ahead to green light such an undertaking – we are talking about over sixty floors of inspections to make here – the insurmountable amount of paperwork they'd have to go through would keep someone busy for months.

And so, some parts of the Shinra building were in disrepair. Like the stairwell door on the lounge floor for all the executives – it always seemed to be on the fritz, always opening, but never closing. T'was forever frozen open where a group of terrorists could just waltz right in without a care.

Another good example were the fire sprinkler systems in the building, which was the main reason why every floor was kept as cool as humanly possible without turning the employees into popsicles. Just a bit of heat and they'd go off!

But this was neither here nor there, because what were the chances of something hot enough to set-off an active fire protection measure like that?

Of course, what really did matter was that the air conditioning system on the 51st had malfunctioned just as a pair of blond men got into an elevator. As they ascended and ultimately met lips in an office, the floor had been building up in temperature.

But, of course, this was neither here nor there.

- - **c C c** - -

Things were heating up in the SOLDIER director's office. And not just because the A/C had died in his windowless office.

Truth be told, Lazard had been interested in this young man for quite a while. Ever since he had spied him amongst the usual line-up of hopeful SOLDIER recruits; he had been youthful, innocent looking and not just a little attractive. He was also a feisty young man who didn't know when to quit either and determination was a bonus with Lazard. However, his being a minor had been an issue, not to mention coming onto the lad would have been entirely inappropriate. Lazard was his superior and anything he would have pursued (short term, long term or otherwise) would have been considered a misuse of his authority. It never would have worked, his mind had rationalized, never mind that he couldn't even think of approaching the youth anymore when he entered the regulation army.

And yet, today, as they stood together side-by-side in that elevator talking as if they had known each other forever he had felt the need to lay claim to him. And that need grew with each second that passed.

When they reached his office the director became bold and threw self-control to the wind; he kissed Cloud.

Cloud welcomed his advances, which was encouraging, though he could tell the young man had never been kissed before (or so he thought). Virgins were such sweet kissers.

_Time to go in for the kill_, thought Lazard with a predatory smirk against Cloud's lips.

- - **c C c** - -

The director was nowhere on the treatment floor. In fact, a technician had told Sephiroth that the executive had been escorted back to his office by a grunt a little while ago. Claude-Something-Or-Other. The general had a good idea who the man was talking about because he had a feeling it was _him_. Even when he wasn't around, that boy was bothering him with his presence.

_No time to think on that boy now. The Director's safety is top priority...no matter that they are most likely in the same place…_

They were going to have to talk eventually though. If not to discuss what had occurred that day, then so the general could give him the proper reprimands...and reward. For all of his disrespect and total disregard for Sephiroth's authority, Cloud was a good, honourable, young man. He had been hoping the infantryman would come of his own volition, but the blond soldier had been avoiding him. Or maybe he just kept missing him. Normally, wherever Zack was, Cloud wasn't too far off was the general theory amongst the SOLDIERs. And he was supposed to introduce him to Angeal...

He'll have to sit in on that meeting, if he didn't meet with Cloud when he arrived at the director's office.

Leaving the recovery wards and examination rooms behind him, Sephiroth made for the elevator.

Swiping his keycard through the reader, he immediately stepped into the elevator, frowning a little now.

He tugged at the collar of his coat, feeling a little uncomfortable.

Was it always so hot in the building?

- - **c C c** - -

In the past, Cloud could count all the kisses he had ever received by using a scientific calculator, because the sheer number of them were exponential...then again, they were kisses from his mother, so they really didn't count at all in the grand scheme of things. As it was, the spiky-haired blond could only count his real kisses on one hand thus far and the first two had mostly gone to strangers and they hadn't been the most pleasant. He was happy to report that his third actually went to someone who mattered and he liked being kissed by him. Cloud only wished he could know the reason why. Not for why he liked it - because Lazard was a damn good kisser - but why would a Shinra executive like the SOLDIER director be kissing some random grunt in his office?

_Shut-up, Logic. Lips currently engaged in -whoa! Minerva's pants! Vertigo! Vertigo!_

Lazard had manoeuvred the two of them, so that Cloud was now lying atop the other man's desk. And he had done so without releasing Cloud. Their lips were still connected and the grunt was now reeling more than ever. He could feel an increasing warmth all around him as Lazard trailed a line of kisses from his lips to his jaw line. The heat was uncomfortable and he squirmed underneath the director, wishing to get a bit of space.

"Ah, Director Lazard, is it me, or is it getting a bit hot in here?" asked the grunt, gripping the older man's shoulders and pushing him up and away from him. Nice as his kisses were, they needed to focus on a different matter here. Cloud felt that it was unbearably hot in the room and it had nothing to do with Lazard's inappropriate proximity to his person.

Of course, Lazard rather predictably took Cloud's words the wrong way.

"Well, then...shall we fix that?"

Now Cloud considered himself to be a very reasonable person. He helped little old ladies cross the street, would gladly cover someone else's shift for patrol if they had a good reason and was overall mellow when not being antagonized by bullies (or a certain, nameless, silver-haired man). He was also a man of his word and Cloud Strife always kept his promises! Granted, Lazard was feeling him up rather gently compared to Luxiere and Kunsel and he liked being kissed by him – as confusing as _that_ was – however, he promised a boot to the head and a boot to the head he would give! Gosh darn the consequences! It was probably against policy to be making out with your underlings anyways.

As the director's hands went for the buttons of his uniform – _Mother in Nibelheim, the man did not waste any time_ – Cloud tried to give Lazard a swift, jarring kick to the head.

Of course, with basic human anatomy coupled with Cloud's inflexible leg, that manoeuvre was completely impossible with how they were positioned. As things, Cloud's plan ended up deviating in a whole new, yet similar, direction.

One of the soldier's boots was undone and loose and as he swung up his leg in a futile attempt to unwisely brain Lazard with his foot it flew right off. The footwear sailed impressively into the air, flying higher and higher and higher. Cloud was amazed by how high his boot had gone! And as the last button of his shirt was finally undone, the boot hit the cheap and overly sensitive water sprinkler right above them.

On a normal day, nothing would have happened; the boot would have fallen aside harmlessly and poor, innocent-in-the-ways-of-the-flesh Cloud would have been ravished beyond his own understanding. However, due to the lack of maintenance, the cheap quality of the fire sprinklers and the sudden failure of the air conditioning causing the air to become quite heated a miracle of circumstances occurred.

Up, up, up the boot went, hitting the small, delicate sensor right above them, activating the water sprinkler system in the room, which rained shockingly cold water down upon the duo on the desk.

Lazard let out a yelp, pushing himself away from Cloud as he tried to take cover from the icy cold of the water drenching him. Cloud, free, scrambled off of the desk, while Lazard was still disoriented. Shirt open, one shoe on, one shoe off and with his usually pointed spikes flattened and slick the young man bolted out of the office; his intent was to get away with his honor intact without inciting the wrath of a Shinra executive.

Behind him, Cloud could hear Lazard sputter indignantly as the fire alarm sounded in the office. Muttering a prayer to Minerva that he wasn't going to get into further trouble, he shakily slid his keycard through the reader, his other hand clutching his shirt closed.

_This is going to be one of those days in the future where I'll be laughing my ass off,_ thought Cloud as he anxiously awaited the arrival of the elevator. He threw a furtive glance over his shoulder, silently grateful that his old crush was not giving chase to him just yet.

The elevator doors 'dinged' and he heaved a sigh of relief. Not turning around, he walked forward into the waiting lift, only to find that he had walked into someone instead!

_Or maybe this is going to be one of those stories I'll refuse to tell either of my adopted son and daughter._

Tentatively, the blond turned his gaze forward to see who he had bumped into, dreading the various possibilities of someone important finding him in such a state of undress.

"…Private Strife?"

_Or maybe this is one of those stories I won't be telling, because I'll be dead._

Standing before him, just as soaked as he was, hair plastered almost artfully on his cheeks and neck, was General Sephiroth – the very last man Cloud wanted to see.

"…Your shirt is undone."

_Mother in Nibelheim, I must have committed some horrible atrocity in a past life, like beating the hell out of some poor defenseless group of four children out looking for magical crystals or something, because I am beginning to believe that Fate hates me very much._

- - **c C c** - -

Lazard was freezing, cold, wet and a little bit dazed. One moment he was getting his shot, the mako burning inside of his veins and the next thing, he was on fire – aflame with a passion that needed to be sated for some odd reason. And, on top of it all, he wanted it to be with someone _blond_. Worse yet, when he had been with that young man – one he had been secretly fantasizing about since he first spotted him – that want and need had centered around him. Cloud. He wanted him…wanted him so badly that he would stop at nothing…

Stop at nothing…

Sweet Minerva, Lazard felt horrified at what he had almost done. Taking advantage of a minor (he wasn't sure of Cloud's age, considering he looked so young), a subordinate and then forcing him to – gods, he was glad that whatever haze had taken him over had disappeared. The shock from the cold water must have snapped him out of it.

_What could have caused this…?_ It was a mystery.

The executive ran a gloved hand through his wet hair, slicking it back as he switched the water sprinklers off manually, pondering over this mess he had found himself in all the while. Not just his career was at stake, but something else entirely. He knew that things had started changing in his mind after his injection; he had been warned that the mako treatments had side effects, however, the dosage he had been given shouldn't have been enough for too many adverse effects.

And yet, he had acted more boldly than he ever had before by openly trying to seduce Cloud.

"Something's going on here," murmured Lazard as he took his seat behind his desk. "And I intend to find out what…"

Before it was too late to fix the damage.

- - **c C c** - -

**Author's Note:** Not a lot of action here, but Cloud and Sephiroth finally meet!

**Character Count (a.k.a. the List of People Who Have Perved on Cloud in Some Manner Thus Far)**

**Before Crisis**

Sebastian

_Used mako related illness to get close to Cloud_

Essai

_Did the same thing as Sebastian_

**Crisis Core**

Kunsel

_Used knowledge of Cloud's ticklish spots to give him the hiccups to score a kiss_

Luxiere

_Somehow used the situation with Kunsel to French the daylights out of Cloud_

Lazard

_Surprise kiss! And a bit of groping!_

**Final Fantasy VII**

Palmer

_Felt Cloud up in the elevator – in his defence, he thought Cloud was a girl_


	7. Part the Seventh

**Title:** Everybody Loves Cloud

**Author:** CrisisChild

**Summary:** One happy, hapless day in Shinra, Cloud's hair falls into one of Hojo's concoctions - a vat of mako laced with a strong aphrodisiac meant for Sephiroth. The strangest day for Cloud ensues. Cloud x everyone in Shinra

**Rated:** T

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Crisis Core or FF7. Enough said.

**Beta'd:** Nope. I'll have it fixed up soon. I felt so bad about not posting anything in a while. I'm so sorry! I've bene busy!

**Author's Note:** I love Hojo. Why? He gives me an excuse to write faux science. Oh, and because you all asked nicely, have some Zack on top of not-quite-Sephiroth fluff and Lazard's smokin' presence.

**Everybody Loves Cloud**

_Part the Seventh_

If the good doctor were of the mind to be giving lectures about his mad experiments, he would go into great detail and spare no time in explaining his great genius. And although his later escapades in the labs weren't extremely noteworthy or ground breaking (unless you counted being able to genetically create sexy-hot teens with the ability to destroy the world in the name of their alien mother to be so), if Hojo were the kind of man to explain exactly how his mako treatments worked within the human body while under the influence of strong aphrodisiacs that was mixed with human hair, well, the explanation would – theoretically – go something like this:

Mako is comprised of the Lifestream after it has gone through a refinement process through the various reactors situated throughout the world. The biggest producer of mako is Midgar, for the simple fact that the large metropolis consumes the most energy anywhere on the Planet.

The Lifestream itself is made up of energy – 'spirit energy' supposedly made from the memories of all living things that have since passed on into the next life. If this theory holds true in every sense, then one can assume that the Lifestream itself is sentient and alive, no matter how improbable that is. In that case, since it is sentient, then it must perpetuate the cycle of life and death of its own free will. And if that was the case, then even in the form of mako or the by-product of mako, Materia, the Lifestream exudes its will on everything that lives.

If that were the case, then if one injected a human subject (or any living specimen would do, really) with mako, one would be technically injecting the subject with the will of the Planet, which would explain the many aggressive behaviours and sudden mutations of the local flora and fauna throughout the world. An interesting fact, when exposed to enough mako even the most beenvolent of creatures would suddenly choose to become violent, while also keeping in mind to be plentiful, spawning the next generation as soon as possible.

So, therefore, not only was the Lifestream perpetuating the cycle that made its memories become energy and then Midgar taking that energy and wasting it by turning it into the most inefficient energy system in the universe, but the Lifestream was also responsible for procreation and would urge any subject exposed to it to procreate and become plentiful. With this in mind, a human subject should also experience the same effect that a wild animal would, to some degree.

Unfortunately, after extensive experimentation, this theory was shot down since it only made humans grow muscles…or die from mako poisoning or become ferocious monsters the likes the world had never seen before. Eighty-five percent of the time, the subjects would come out of their mako treatments stronger, faster, better, with a few side effects here or there. With great power, comes great inebriation, as if the subjects are experiencing a kind of high. So what kind of mixture would give the desired results of procreation? Simple. Aphrodisiacs and a healthy dose of animal pheromones from subjects in heat.

Now there are questions about finding a specific target. Normally, animals can sense in their intended mates exactly what they can expect. According to many studies, it is survival of the fittest and only the best traits are bred between a male and a female in order to get the best results and continue the species. However, if one were to want specific traits, programming the courting male's instincts to search for only certain kinds of criteria would be the best result. With the power of the Lifestream's infinite knowledge, laced with other chemicals, one would simply have to include into the mixture, the exact DNA traits one would want in the offspring.

Of course, this would only work in theory and shouldn't be put into practice without the proper precautions set into place. Humans are surprisingly fragile creatures – tip them over just a bit and they could break.

At any rate, in order to achieve the same results of an animal subject with a human subject, adjustments in mako exposure must be put into consideration as well as mako tolerance. If, say, a SOLDIER Third were doused with mako laced with aphrodisiacs and a 'search and mate with blond and blue eyed subject' function, the reaction would be mild as the average Third's mako intake every month is the bare minimum. The most, amorous, though not very persistent, reactions may arise. The other end of the spectrum, however, would yield better results. Should the subject be a SOLDIER First, the likelihood of the subject going off to procreate would become stronger, almost overriding all other instincts. With the added conditionng of the subject, the chance of offspring with blond hair and blue eyes would be higher.

That is, of course, if the SOLDIER were doused with aphrodisiac-laced mako with a 'seek and mate with blonde woman' genetic program. But what scientist would have a First class specimen chase another another of its gender? It would be extremely counter rductive and frivolous waste of time. Imagine, Sephirth (or any member of SOLDIER) trying to procreate with a blond male of the species like some wild animal? Preposterous.

And each and every specimen is different with varying parameters, which often lead to mako affecting their systems differently. Most of the time the symptoms and side effects of mako would only last twenty four hours. Considering the average mating rituals of most animals, it was most likely certain that the effects of the aphrodisicas mixed with the will to mate with blonds would last somewhere between a day and a week. Mist likely a week, since the euphoria that would haze over a subject's mind would be a new experience and would require further study and time for it to become natural.

However, this a theory that will never be spoken aloud as Hojo was never of a mind to be giving lectures about his latest plans and schemes. Especially since his latest one involved him getting grandchildren before he died of old age. Or by Turk gunfire. One way or the other.

- **- c C c** - -

There were very few things one could count on in Gaia - most of them could, in fact, be counted on one hand or two, if we're being generous. One of these things is Sephiroth always using up a bottle of shampoo every time he washed his hair (although why he keeps it so long in the first place is anyone's guess); another thing you could count on was Genesis having memorized every single passage of Loveless (and then quoting it word for word, despite no one having asked him to). And if there was something going wrong in your life, you blamed Hojo. Blame him with everything you had, because it always wound down to the demented old scientist, somehow.

Cloud's mother always said it was cowardly to blame someone else for your own troubles, but the spiky-haired blond was pretty sure he hadn't done anything to deserved being kissed and groped by total strangers all day. Or to walk into Sephiroth looking like he had just been caught sneaking out of a girl's room at dawn afer a good romp. Sephiroth's face was disturbingly blank after mentioning that his shirt was undone, which made the infantryman clutch the shirt closed even tighter and become red in the face.

Mother in Nibelheim, this was embarrassing, but Cloud wasn't going to meekly stare at the ground. It was like admitting guilt for doing something wrong! Thinking things that way (despite the fact that he had been engaging in some illicit activities with a superior), Cloud raised his gaze to meet Sephiroth and greeted him properly and firmly.

"Sir."

"At ease."

Easy for him to say. No one else in Shinra could get away with being even remotely bare chested, except for the general - anyone else caught like Cloud was was usually brought in for disciplinary actions. He hoped the shck of seeing him in a state of undress would be enough to make Sephiroth forget about that one company policy...

"You do realize the penalties for sloppiness, don't you, soldier?"

So much for that. Oh, well, One thing Cloud could appreciate before he died (or had a disciplinary hearing for his insubordination and fraternizing with a superior) was that Sephiroth also happened to be as soaked as he was, thanks to the emergency sprinklers raining down frozen water on them. The water eventually stopped, though and Cloud was left shivering. Cold Nibelheim winters in the mountains he could handle just fine – it was being cold and wet that he had a problem with.

Cloud sneezed. Sephiroth simply raised an eyebrow at him, before doing one of the most inexplicable of things.

Many things must be going through Sephiroth's mind, Cloud mused, as he stared the low ranked private down: why did the sprinklers go off, why did Hojo insist on touching people when he worked with – on – them, why did the both of them have to be so soaked and why was Cloud's shirt undone in the first place. Anything could have gone through the older man's mind as he removed his trademark coat (to which he had many copies of, according to the crazed fans of the Silver Elite) and draped it around Cloud's shoulders. It was remarkably dry on the inside, with a few wet spots here and there where moisture had found its way in, but it was indeed dry and held all of the body heat from the general. And despite the fact that this was leather soaked in water, it didn't smell bad.

It smelled a lot like vanilla, in fact…

"Ah, sir –"

"I expect for you to be in good health, private. There is much we need to discuss concerning the…Incident."

Cloud swallowed quietly, hairs suddenly on end – if they weren't plastered to his head. He could feel the capital 'I' in the general's voice as he mentioned the Incident, of which there could only be one. It was the Incident, in which Cloud had defied all orders, endangered himself and forced Sephiroth's hand, all to save his comrades from a horrible death with thought to his own safety or the mission assigned to him. The Silver General did not look mad – in fact, the expression on his face was more pensive than displeased as he continued to regard Cloud quietly. It also looked like the older man wanted to say something else, but was stopped short when the door behind the blond moved.

Realizing the reason why the door had slid open, Cloud made a noise that sounded suspiciously like a chocobo squawk and ran towards the elevator, coat flapping behind him, ignoring the calls of Sephiroth.

Cloud heaved a sigh of relief as the elevator doors quickly shut, sliding down the side of the wall as he did. He clutched the leather around him, and then froze.

Oh, Odin's backside, he had taken Sephiroth's coat with him.

_Dear Mother, in Nibelheim…I think I'm going to have to do the right thing, aren't I?_ thought the thoroughly miserable and confused infantryman. He knew he would have to return the trenchcoat eventually, which would lead to them having a nice long chat about his career, in all likelihood.

For the moment, however, Cloud was going to have his moment of rest to sort out the day thus far in his mind as the elevator moved, enjoying the subtle scent of vanilla.

- **- c C c** - -

Somehow, someway, this day had to be blamed on Hojo and Sephiroth was not afraid to do so. As of late, the old scientist had been acting stranger than usual – _much_ stranger. How was that even possible? He kept sending his assistants to help him in the office – his female assistants. They were nice and pleasant, helpful, until he found out they were around by orders of the old coot and Sephiroth sent them back to the labs faster than Genesis could speed read through Loveless, cover to cover.

The water sprinklers had gone off the moment he stepped into the hallway. Concern came over him and he hurried forward to reach the SOLDIER director's office faster – on top of everything else that had been going on, there was a fire as well? Now he truly needed to evacuate the director, lest he was ireeparably injured. However, upon reaching the office door, his attention was stolen for a few moments when Cloud Strife came rushing out.

Was it wrong of Sephiroth to think of Cloud, drenched, shivering and half undressed, to be similar to a yellow chocobo after it fell into a lake?

_Chocobos are skittish, untrusting, aggressive creatures,_ the silver-haired man remembered, which was an accurate description of Private Strife. Zack may argue otherwise, but the look in the teenager's eyes right now spoke volumes. _Still as defiant as ever._

And how to deal with chocobos? Gain their trust – same a humans, he supposed. Zack had said it took quite a bit of time before he could get Cloud to engage in a conversation that lasted more than ten words, because the boy had been too closed off from everyone else. That was a problem, because Sephiroth found himself wanting to speak with Cloud and not just about the Incident, especially now that he was standing in front of him, less than an arm's length away.

And the private did react so amusingly to a few jabs here and there. The young man acted as if Sephiroth was going to stab him right through the chest with Masamune, or something to that effect.

Well, weeks ago, the boy had surprised him by showing defiance and courage in face of danger and the uncertainty of his own future, should he disobey his superior's orders; Cloud reminded him that people were important, no matter their title or rank and that bravery – true bravery – still existed in a world of men and women seeking only glory. It was fair play if he surprised the boy in return, right? At any rate, Cloud did not look comfortable under the spray of water…

As the sprinklers stopped showring them with cold water, Sephiroth took off his coat and wrapped it around Cloud, who immediately began to become flustered. It was..amusing to tease the boy, he thought, no wonder Zack did it so often. Sephiroth enjoyed the moment, explaining his actions quietly to the infantryman, glad for his train of logic no matter where he was. Weaving truths was also something he was skilled at; in the end, he did worry about Cloud's health, as he saw that his lips were turning blue from cold. Not a good sign.

And before he could help the other male further, Sephiroth's real objective had appeared and Cloud had rushed off…with his coat.

No big deal, as Sephiroth had many others, but he could have waited before rushing off like a spooked chocobo. Well, so much for _that_.

"Sephiroth, there's something going on with the mako treatments," Director Lazard stated, never missing a beat as he came up to the now shirtless SOLDIER He, too, was drenched, but otherwise unharmed. He wasn't as immaculately dressed as he usually was, Sephiroth noticed and his cravat was missing. He also had a grave, harried expression – as if he had just done something he was going to regret later on.

It took Sephiroth less than half a second to put two and two together. Somehow, there was this odd, sick feeling in Sephiroth's chest that something like that had happened with Cloud. Was it concern? Yes, some. Was he going to act on it? No, not yet. Unlike some emotional, nameless people, the Silver General had his priorities straight.

He could still attend the meeting with Cloud, Zack and Angeal later on, with this whole situation hopefully resolved by then.

The general nodded an affirmative. "Yes. It would seem that way," began the report, "many of the SOLDIERs have been exhibiting odd behaviour after their mako injections. Thus far, only the Thirds and some of the Seconds seem to be affected. Immediate action was taken and those 'infected' have been quarantined for theirs and others' safety. Currently, Commanders Hewley and Rhasphodos are investigating the cause of this strange behaviour in the men."

Lazard nodded, his expression twice as troubled as before. He also looked…relieved and the look in his eyes said that something must have been confirmed by Sephiroth's words.

"Good work," said Lazard. "Keep at it…we need to nip this in the bud quickly. Otherwise…there will be…complications."

"Director?"

"Come into the office, Sephiroth. I think I can tell you exactly where the source of our problems are and we can discuss a few other matters as well."

Nodding, Sephiroth did as he was told, somehow having this feeling he wasn't going to like what he was about to hear.

- **- c C c** - -

Zack had found Cloud in the elevator, all huddled up and shivering from being wet and cold. Whenever the temperature of his body dropped, it took the blond too much time to get it back up without help. He was both glad and mad to see his friend outside the elevator doors when it stopped. The spikey-haired grunt was still sour about the kiss with Kunsel and whacked Zack upside the head, silently blaming him for it. Surprisingly, his dark-haired friend took the abuse rather well and just scooped him up, saying he looked cold.

"You sure you should be c-carrying me?" inquired Cloud as he huddled close to the SOLDIER. His body was generating a lot of body heat, which felt very nice, especially when he was so cold. Passing a wall of reflective metal, Cloud could see that he was pale and his lips were a dark shade of purple. So not good.

"I'm fine," replied Zack, looking very chipper, despite having had his shot naught, but a few minutes prior meeting Cloud. "Anyways, you're light. Lighter than a chocobo feather, really. You really need to gain some weight, Cloud. I mean, seriously. Your neck is slim. Really slim. And long, hey I never noticed that before…it's kind of sweet looking."

That should have sent alarm bells, Cloud would reflect later on, especially when the SOLDIER started nuzzling his neck. At the time, he just thought of it as Zack being his old affectionate self, just a bit more…touchy-feely than usual. And he was warm and who was he to knock a good thing? Indulging Zack in some skinship never hurt anyone and Cloud hadn't quite gotten over how icy he felt.

Things were going fine, until Zack totally bypassed the barrcks and headed to the SOLDIER quarters where Zack had his own private room. Cloud made a note of this and told his friend as much.

"My place is better and has heating and loads of blankets. The army barracks is just not a good place for you to be right now, Cloudy. Just let Zack take care of you, all right?" When it put it like that, how could Cloud refuse? Plus, Zack was smiling that never-taking-no-for-an-answer grin of his. There would be no arguing with him, if he felt like acting like a mother hen all over Cloud. He simply accepted his friend's hospitality, clinging onto him and appreciating him as the oasis in his desert of an awful day.

_Zack's my only friend at Shinra. I should be a lot more grateful to him…maybe I can treat him to some i__ce cr-eeeeagh! Whiskey-Tango-Foxtrot?_

Upon entering Zack's place, the SOLDIER did three things.

One, he locked the door behind him.

Two, he brought Cloud into his bedroom and tossed him onto said bed.

And three, he climbed on top of Cloud and was giving him this really heated look.

Cloud shivered, though it wasn't from the cold, as hands methodically began to taking the wet coat and his unifrom shirt off with the blond protesting every step of the way.

"Zack! What are you doing?"

The older teen smiled and gave Cloud's head a gentle pet. In a soothing voice, he said, "Calm down, Spikey. Just taking these wet clothes off. If you keep them on, you'll get sick."

It was a good explanation, Cloud thought. Reasonable, but embarrassing. He swatted the SOLDIER's hands away, shrugging off his tops off himself, all under the watchful eye of Zack who never stopped staring (or getting off of him, for that matter). He insisted on keeping his pants on, but Zack managed to magically explain them away, leaving a shivering, blushing Cloud in his boxers. This was the most naked he had ever been in front of someone other than his mother, who would probably have a coronary, if she knew he was undressing in someone's bedroom like some scarlet woman.

_Thank Minerva Zack's just a good friend, who has a girlfriend. Yeap. Nothing to worry about there, because Zack adores his girlfriend and would never cheat on her with another guy._

Cloud was suddenly pulled close to Zack's body as he pulled a blanket over the two of them. To keep the heat trapped inside as he rubbed his friend's body with his hands – to warm him up, he assured. He just had to trust in Zack, because this sort of thing was normal out in the field, particularly in the colder climates.

Zack's hands were large, calloused, rough and, above all else, very hot. It was almost as if Cloud's skin were burning from the contact – no, really. Cloud knew what it was like to be burned, since he had caught himself on fire more than once during basic materia training. The feeling was quite uncomfortable and he squirmed against Zack as they practically spooned; a few whispered hushes of assurance made Cloud stop and just endure the strange, invading feeling. Once or twice, Zack had done this sort of thing for Cloud in the winter months in Midgar, but only on his arms and face, but never his whole body like this.

As time went on, the rubbing to keep him warm slowed down into strokes and caresses and Cloud didn't know when he started falling asleep, but his eyes were beginning to droop and he didn't mind Zack touching him as much. It still weirded him out a hell of a lot, because it was Zack practically feeling him up, but he was too warm drowsy to care.

When it seemed like Cloud was going to really slip into sleep, Zack gently turned him around.

"Cloud…?" whispered the dark-haired SOLDIER, face so close their noses were touching.

"Mmm?"

"I'm not through keeping you warm…"

Then all of a sudden, Cloud had his wrists pinned to the bed and Zack's lips pressed up to his.

- **- c C c** - -

**Author's Note:** Oh, Cloud. What have you gotten yourself into now?

**Character Count (a.k.a. the List of People Who Have Perved on Cloud in Some Manner Thus Far)**

**Before Crisis**

Sebastian

_Used mako related illness to get close to Cloud_

Essai

_Did the same thing as Sebastian_

**Crisis Core**

Kunsel

_Used knowledge of Cloud's ticklish spots to give him the hiccups to score a kiss_

Luxiere

_Somehow used the situation with Kunsel to French the daylights out of Cloud_

Lazard

_Surprise kiss! And a bit of groping!_

Zack

_Perving on Cloud…in his bed!_

**Final Fantasy VII**

Palmer

_Felt Cloud up in the elevator – in his defence, he thought Cloud was a girl_


	8. Part the Eight

**Title: **Everybody Loves Cloud

**Author: **CrisisChild

**Summary: **One happy, hapless day in Shinra, Cloud's hair falls into one of Hojo's concoctions - a vat of mako laced with a strong aphrodisiac meant for Sephiroth. The strangest day for Cloud ensues. Cloud x everyone in Shinra

**Rated: **T; rating will possibly rise

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Crisis Core or FF7. Enough said.

**Beta'd: **Not yet!

**Author's Note:** I apologize for not being around as I should. Here's some in between stuff to tide you guys over until I work out a way to write for this story more. There will be funny later. Thank you for your patience everyone!

**Everybody Loves Cloud**

_Part the Eight_

****"Cold water," Lazard announced curtly, now sitting behind his watered down desk and readjusting his dress shirt and cravat.

A silver brow raised at the director. "...Cold water?" the general repeated, unable to keep his voice level and allowing no small amount of incredulity into his tone.

The two most powerful men within SOLDIER division sat and stood across from each other, a sturdy desk the only thing separating the two of them. The blond director in his soaked computer chair, looking somewhat less dishevelled than minutes previous; the silver general himself, arms crossed over his expansive chest and a pensive expression upon his countenance. They were discussing the matter of the maddened SOLDIERs and how to deal with them.

"Cold water," reaffirmed the director. "When I received the treatment, it was as if something clouded my judgement and told me...to...do something with that infantryman. Something I didn't realize I wanted to do, until it suddenly rushed up upon me...and only when the emergency sprinkler system went off and doused me thoroughly did I 'wake-up' to myself once more."

It was a great discovery. A wonderful discovery, despite how it had come about. Neither man had yet to bring up the subject of Cloud Strife or what had occurred within Lazard's office, which led to a somewhat undressed young man running out of there like a bat out of Hel. It wasn't necessary to include into their current discussion, albeit that Sephiroth had a thirst to know what had happened, if only to rack up a charge list for the regulation army man that both general and soldier could converse about over his future in Shinra Inc.

...Angeal was right, Sephiroth was sometimes too easily distracted like little, minute details. There was something else afoot here that needed his attention more.

"It would be safe to assume that if we doused the...affected SOLDIERs with enough cold water we should solve this problem quickly." There would be nothing to lose, in the long run. Mayhaps the shock of something so near ice temperature would drag their minds back to reality and they could all move on with their lives. Moreso than usual, the monthly mako treatments were being quite troublesome. "I will mobilize swiftly, then." There was nothing more to say on the matter. The director was safe, out of the immediate danger zone that was the medical wards – a point to Strife for bringing Lazard out of there so quickly, Sephiroth mused – he could leave to take care of his wayward SOLDIERs like the good superior that he was.

Put them out of their metaphorical misery before they entirely embarrassed themselves.

"Sephiroth, wait."

His foot falls fell silent; he'd stopped his leave to look back towards the director questioningly.

"There was an infantryman earlier...I don't know if you saw him on your way out—" How could he have not? The general's signature coat was missing from his impressive form, appearing before Lazard as is, only moments after Cloud Strife had left the premises. "– I'd like for you to find him and bring him to me, if possible. There are things I wish to discuss with the young man."

Sephiroth considered the request, then nodded. It aligned with his own plans, so it would not be out of his way. "Understood."

And then he was out of the office, heading back to the dreaded labs.

**- - c C c - -**

Locating the contaminated vats was proving more difficult than anticipated.

Genesis and Angeal had gone through at least half the medical wards, asking for the technicians to do an impromptu quality control test on the mako provided for this month's treatment. However, with each check, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Then again, no one knew exactly what to look for. Anything that was thrown into mako tended to be melted by the highly toxic substance, melded into it so completely that it simply became part of the condensed lifestream.

Figuring that the ones they had tested were safe to use, Genesis and Angeal subjected themselves to their own injections quickly. Best get it out of the way, for the they were used to the burn and the semi-queasy feeling of having mako make its fiery course through every spot in your body until it reached the brain within a few simple breaths. This stuff did not mess around or move slowly once inside a living system. For a little while, their senses would be heightened – _hypersensitive_. They'd be able to pick up even the faintest of scents from a mile away – the most miniscule of whispers, breathed under secrecy. The feeling of having mako in your system was like being on fire and having sensory overload; a kind of high that lasted for only a short time. Hence the temporary insanity, as the techs would warn them beforehand when they first signed up for SOLDIER.

However, the level of heightened inebriation depended upon each SOLDIER and their personal medical history.

Angeal never felt the burn for too long, often coming out of the state of intoxication first between himself and Genesis. His lifelong friend, on the other hand, was the slowest to come out of his mako high; Angeal and Sephiroth would be the ones to handle the volatile redhead, lest he stopped reciting Loveless drunkenly and decided the whole building needed to come crashing down around their ears courtesy of a few Summons – like _Bahamut_. Minerva help them, if Genesis ever got out of hand and started levelling the headquarters from sheer madness.

Ten minutes, Angeal thought to himself. Ten minutes and he could be out again, ready to look after his childhood best friend, worry over the whereabouts of his student, wonder what was taking Sephiroth so long, figure out what was wrong with everyone today and just move on from this monthly nightmare that was mako injections. Ten minutes sitting on a cot, eyes closed and resting, to let the mako run its course.

Angeal laid in waiting while Genesis went in to have his injections next, however, the burly SOLDIER did not wait long before his eyes snapped open from his impromptu nap.

There was...this amazing scent in the air. Sweet, delicate...tantalizing. Just what was he thinking about again? There was something the dark-haired First needed to do when he woke up. Something that needed to be done. A need. He had a _need_. Yes, that was it. It literally burned within his veins, this pressing need to...find the origins of that scent he had picked up. Find it and...

**...make life**.

And as Angeal rose up and went to find his quarry, Genesis was now loose and free to roam, body filled unknowingly with contaminated SOLDIER formula. He, too, smelt it. He, too, wanted to go, in search of it. However, unlike his calmer, more stable comrade in arms, Genesis had never been one to be _not_ a little off-kilter. Even off the mako. And all of Hel was about to break loose, just as the technicians finally discovered the source of the contamination.

Unfortunately, it was already past the point of no return.

**- - c C c - -**

Hojo had this distinct feeling he should be checking up on Sephiroth. He was the only one allowed to administer the lad's special cocktail of aphrodisiacs, Jenova cells and mako after all. Speaking of, he thought to add another ingredient to his already mercurial mako mix. Chuckling to himself, hands clasped behind his back, he made his way to where he had left the special container, whistling 'Cats in the Cradle' along the way, imagining the offspring he would get to spoil and fawn over...from the other side of a glass window. In a merry mood, the old man arrived at the containment room, pulling out a sealed off vial filled with a questionable substance to pour into the glass vat.

His beady eyes blinked blankly. Taking off his thick glasses, he wiped them on his lab coat to clear off the bits of dead skin and oil from the lenses. The man had to be seeing things. Or not, rather. Replacing his spectacles a deep, angry growl rose up from his throat.

Tipped over and dripping leftover serum was the container he had reserved especially for his wayward son. Well, this set back his plans by quite a bit. Another vat could not be brought together fast enough for when the illustrious general made his eventual arrival for his scheduled treatments, considering all the allotted mako tanks had pulled up just enough this month for the mixing of the serum. _Well_, thought the professor, seething as he whirled on his foot to head back to his personal laboratory, _as long as the super fertility and virility serum he had created for Sephiroth didn't end up mixed with the lot for the SOLDIERs, it should be all right_.

Perhaps he should have inquired further into the loss of the mako, but senility was maybe settling in – or possibly laziness or simply not bothering to care at _all_ – and the old man simply just let it go. He could just tell Sephiroth that his mako injections and treatments would be putt off for the next day, wherein Hojo could simply try his hand again at having himself some future grandchildren. It was no skin off of his nose.

And thus, carelessness on Hojo's part would lead to some kind of awful situation breaking loose in Shinra headquarters.

And this, as the saying goes, is why we can't have nice things.

**- - c C c - -**

There were two things that Cloud was absolutely certain of when it came to one Zack Fair - best friend, fellow country bumpkin and honourable SOLDIER. For one, the older teen was strong as an ox with an appetite of one. And two, the infantryman was very, very, very, very, very, very, _very_certain that his friend was in love with his girlfriend. Like walking a thousand miles and going through a whole army just so he could go pay her a visit – that kind of deep, emotional, heart breaking tragic love you'd find in genre breaking movies or award winning video games.**  
****  
**So this was wrong. So _very_ wrong. Plus...what kind of man goes around philandering on a sweet girl like Aerith seemed to be? Zack had told Cloud all kinds of stories about the flower girl from the slums, who could make all kinds of things grow, despite the harsh conditions. Her gentility, her innocence and how pretty she was; Zack was totally smitten with her!****

And so...how...how could he even think he could-****

**"**Eeeeeyaargh!"****

Zack-_what_-he just _bit_him! On the neck! Oh, by Minerva's pants, he could feel a bruise forming of the SOLDIER's teeth marks! Right next to his jugular to boot!****

**"**Zack! Get off!" Cloud screeched, struggling against his best friend. What had gotten into him? First those SOLDIERs on the lab floor, then the director and now, this? His legs kicked out in an effort to dislodge Zack, but he held fast, looking down at the trapped blond with a sort of creepy smile on his lips (it was probably supposed to be lustful or something women would find described in harlequin romances to be incredibly attractive).****

**"**I will get us both off, if you'd let me, Cloudy." And another bite was added to the next and Cloud was yelping again.****

Oh, holy Hell. What to do, what to do. Zack was the flirty type, sure, but he didn't know him to be promiscuous or this much of a sexual predator. What to do, what to do, what to do. The blond had to think fast or risk losing his virginity! Think Cloud, _think_.****

His eyes darted around Zack's bedroom, messy and strewn with clothing and equipment. A bedside table –****

**"**Ow! Zack!" yelped Cloud as the older teen continued to make himself a prime example of why puppies should _not_ be aggressive.****

- the chair, an empty bottle and some water and an open bag of chips. Minerva, didn't Zack have something more useful close at hand? Then again, wrists trapped as he was, he couldn't exactly reach out and whack his friend over the head and expect it to knock him out. Cloud did not want to have to resort to the universal SOLDIER's weak spot, but he found he had no choice.

"Sorry Zack!" And then he kneed him as gently as he could – which in reality wasn't that gentle at all. In fact, the young blond had hit his friend so forcefully, that the man rolled off of the bed howling in agony. "_Really_ sorry!"

He had to act fast. Cloud was wet, cold, and in his skivvies. What was most important thing here?

Cerulean eyes darted everywhere and anywhere – no time to waste. Zack could be up any second now! Think Cloud,_ think_!

He grabbed the still wet trench coat Sephiroth had lent him, donned it and ran for the door as fast as his bare feet could allow. Behind him, Cloud could hear Zack getting up. His hands jiggled the lock, shaking nervously from the panic he felt. This whole day had been so bizarre! The blond had no idea who he should trust, if he could trust anybody. Just what was wrong with everyone? One day, he had been this nobody, SOLDIER program dropout working in the army as an infantryman who everyone else picked on and the next, nearly everybody and their grandmother were trying to get into his pants. Was he hallucinating? Was he dreaming? Sweet Minerva's pants, if this was a dream – nightmare, he corrected himself – Cloud wanted to wake up from it!

The lock clicked. Just in time, too.

"Clooooud."

Zack sounded pretty pissed, with good reason. If someone kicked him in his meat and two veg, Cloud would be pretty damned pissed himself. He mentally apologized to Zack as he ran out, to freedom – !

And somebody's chest. _Again_.

_Minerva, if I have sinned somehow in a past life...please forgive this unworthy servant of your Grace. I promise I'll go to church more. I promise I'll help the poor more. Be more environmentally friendly, even! But please...please cut me some slack!_

**- - c C c - -**

Meanwhile, in another part of Shinra Headquarters...

"Has the target been spotted yet?"

"Yeah, and he's practically butt naked, yo."

"_Reno_."

"Right, right. I'll go pick up our 'princess'."

If only eye rolls could be heard over the phone. "Good. Take the private into custody as quickly and quietly as possible."

Reno of the Turks grinned as he signed off to his superior. "Not a problem, boss. Not a problem at _all_."

**- - c C c - -**

**Author's Note:** Oh, look! A wild Reno has appeared!

**Character Count (a.k.a. the List of People Who Have Perved on Cloud in Some Manner Thus Far)**

**Before Crisis**

Sebastian

_Used mako related illness to get close to Cloud_

Essai

_Did the same thing as Sebastian_

**Crisis Core**

Kunsel

_Used knowledge of Cloud's ticklish spots to give him the hiccups to score a kiss_

Luxiere

_Somehow used the situation with Kunsel to French the daylights out of Cloud_

Lazard

_Surprise kiss! And a bit of groping!_

Zack

_Perving on Cloud…in his bed!_

**Final Fantasy VII**

Palmer

_Felt Cloud up in the elevator – in his defence, he thought Cloud was a girl_


	9. Part the Ninth

**Title:** Everybody Loves Cloud

**Author:** CrisisChild

**Summary:** One happy, hapless day in Shinra, Cloud's hair falls into one of Hojo's concoctions - a vat of mako laced with a strong aphrodisiac meant for Sephiroth. The strangest day for Cloud ensues. Cloud x everyone in Shinra

**Rated:** T; for violence and potty mouth

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Crisis Core or FF7. Enough said.

**Beta'd:** Not yet!

**Everybody Loves Cloud**

_Part the Ninth_

Reno was a good Turk. Reno was a _very_ good Turk, in fact, despite what his appearance may lead one to believe.

He did his paperwork on time - if '_on time_' meant '_whenever he felt like submitting his work_', which was usually a few weeks after his official debriefing and no small amount of nagging on the part of his superiors.

He also kept his office clean, although some people may have a problem with how he sometimes stacked his used pizza boxes rather precariously next to his door where people could accidentally smack into them and have the leaning tower of cardboard _topple_ over on them.

And he was quite a gentleman to all the ladies that passed by...of course, all those sexual harassment suits that would sometimes pass through Tseng and Veld's desks would like to argue otherwise. Honestly, if he saw a good looking woman walk in front of him he was not going to be shy about passing on a compliment. Unfortunately, Reno was not very articulate, so it just came down to quick, five-fingered physical appreciation...Who needed words when his hands could speak for him?

_All right_. Reno would be the first to admit that he was not what one would call the 'model employee', however, the man owned a certain set of skills that made him a cut above the rest of Shinra's grunts. He made quite the excellent 'garbage man'; the was no job too dirty for his hands, no mission too hard or mundane. If Shinra Inc asked him to do something, he would do it to the letter with a grin and a two-finger salute.

And today involved an odd job for the fiery Turk that had his eyebrows going up to his hairline, not that he hadn't expected it to come, though.

Though his bright red hair, dishevelled black suit and loud, slightly nasally voice stood out like a sore thumb, Reno was very capable of blending into the background and keeping an eye out to his surroundings. Taking everything in like a fly on the wall. By the time someone noticed enough to slap him away, he was already bolting to a new unreachable hiding spot.

Since early that morning, Reno had been working the labs, keeping out of the way or deflecting

attention from himself as he kept an eye on the proceedings. Orders were to make sure the loopier SOLDIERs didn't run amok and cause trouble for the company, as they were wont to do right after their monthly mako treatments at the labs. It was a rare thing for the Turks to step in during that one scheduled day, but it made for a nice break after all of those nigh suicide missions Veld loved sending them on at times. He often called those assignments 'character builders'. The redhead was sure he had enough character to cover _ten_ versions of himself, spanning twenty five lifetimes.

To reiterate, things were funnier than usual during injection time. This was the first time he'd ever seen SOLDIERs trying to make out with one another. Surprisingly, the men of their military had their minds on things other than sexing each other up most of the time - who knew? Reno was wondering if all of this slobbering all over one another was the mark of repression and that the SOLDIERs needed an immediate psyche evaluation, just in case this was the beginning of a downward spiral into moral decay and mental instability...

But it probably wasn't as bad as it looked to him. After all, if he really felt like a trip to the head doctor was warranted, he would need proof. Oh, how many times had Veld scolded him on an investigation half-assed? More than the redhead would care to count, in all honesty. So he would sit back, gather information, and enjoy the show.

And what a _show_ he was getting.

SOLDIERs on the prowl and pouncing on each other, sometimes even doing it in some kind of mako-crazed packs against one singular prey. Was this normal? It _would_ be the first time Reno had come across something like this inside of Shinra where almost everyone was so straight-laced, straight edges would be jealous. Scandals were still common, but usually within the higher echelon of the electric power company; not in the SOLDIER ranks.

But it was his job to observe and not to interfere unless necessary. And hey, maybe things will work out in the favour of lots of the SOLDIERs involved. Minerva knew some of them desperately needed to get laid. Really bad...

...All right, what the ever loving _Hell_?

Reno got that the SOLDIERs had the hots for each other (being in the trenches fighting a war together and seeing nothing, but beefcakes everywhere did that to a man), but why were any of them bothering with that one infantryman? Granted, the kid wasn't bad. Not his type, but not at all lacking in the looks department. Had an unfortunate case of 'too girly in the face', but it did take all kinds to make up the world and for the world to like all kinds. Maybe the kid could make someone's weird Lolita fetishes come true. Maybe. Possibly.

Okay, maybe not. Mentally, he did a rare thing; he wished the blond grunt well. Pretty as that, might wind up some weird underground boss' plaything, dressed up in pink and purple satin with a tiara on his head, so good luck weird spiky-haired kid!

Feeling particularly magnanimous today though, the redhead Turk watched with increasing intrigue, the journey of this infantryman throughout the day at the labs, somewhat interested in the little no-name now that he managed to invest a little thought into him. That's right, if something caught Reno's attention – even for a split second – outside of his mission objective meant he was _interested_. Oh, he wouldn't touch the kid with a ten foot pole (Reno did all the crazy things a man did, except touching a minor, which blondie seemed to be from the look of him), but it didn't mean Reno couldn't be interested in the fate of this poor, hapless kid stuck right in the middle of some very heavy stuff that was outside of his ken.

Plus, blond guy floundering around military men trying to come onto him, totally oblivious to their advances – priceless, right? An instant classic for some kind of sitcom. Reno would watch it, had he the time to be leisurely viewing hit comedy shows during prime time.

Reno eventually learned the kid's name; it was Cloud. Cloud? Who in their right mind named their kid after fluff in the sky? Now Nimbus...Nimbus sounded cool and awesome. Still technically a cloud, but much more awe inspiring than..._Cloud_. Good gravy, did that name sound ambiguously girly.

And with how he seemed to be just...getting himself into trouble, maybe the monicker was right. Of course, maybe his observations were completely wrong, but until his infallibility was proven, the redhead was firm in his belief that Cloud was a wuss and one that needed proper rescuing. Like a damsel. Or a princess. Yes, that sounded about right; girly in the face, kind of too frail looking to be a real grunt and easily dragged into situations he obviously could not say no to.

Yes, Cloud was forever going to be referred to as a 'princess' in Reno's head, from now on. If he only knew how far removed the grunt was from the that particular royal title and how the teen would react once he caught wind of such an unmanly nickname. Thankfully, they were in separated divisions and the kid would never know. Well, unless he got as smart and surprisingly omniscient as SOLDIER's resident smartypants, Kunsel of SOLDIER Second Class. And speaking of smarts, looked like he was making use of that deceptively strategic mind of his to take advantage of the object of Reno's observations.

Oh, nice. Someone managed to kiss the princess. Wasn't that _sweet_?

Or maybe not. In came a second person swooping in to kiss the princess, making Reno's eyebrows really go up his hairline. What in the Lifestream...?

All right.

SOLDIERs macing on each other out of the blue he believed.

People jumping each other out of nowhere he could take.

But more than a pair of SOLDIERs working their magic on one single guy? Yeah. No. Something was up. Looked like it was time to report things in to the boss man.

"Hey, Tseng. You won't believe what I'm about to tell you..."

And so the sordid tale was relayed in intricate detail, because damn the man who spoke ill of the Turk's ability to give excessive information about one thing or another. Reno laid out what had transpired since his arrival, from the SOLDIERs acting loopier than usual to the continual molestation –

Checking quickly over his shoulder, yes, he was sure that his princess was still being manhandled by somebody.

– of a single infantryman who had no name or title to him, as far as Reno knew.

"But I'm cheering for him, because the kid looks like he needs someone to be on his side."

"That's a nice sentiment, Reno," drawled Tseng on the other end, all too used to his subordinate's antics, "but please keep to your report. If there is something amiss with the SOLDIERs, time is of the essence."

"On the clock and cloak and dagger – gotcha boss."

**- - c C c - -**

After relaying a few more things to the senior Turk Reno was left to observe further. It was expected that the mako treatments would eventually cause the SOLDIERs to become rather volatile after enough exposure. Sure, many of these men had passed the initial exam and subsequent testing afterwards, as well as the regular surgeries and injections they received, but the Turks knew the truth; mako-mix made the unsuspecting extremely _loopy_, to put it nicely.

Reno decided that he needed a better view of things, heading to commandeer the security room and all of its monitors keeping track of all the levels within ShinRa headquarters. From this eagle eye vantage point the Turk was able to snag himself a prime front row seat of all the steamy happenings within the building, particularly the slowly growing chaos that was amassing on the floors where SOLDIERs were frequenting today. Someone else would be out to take a look at the mako being used today – never know if someone put something funny in the stuff again. And by again he really meant _again_. Damn those bigheads in the science department never knew when to leave things well enough alone. Next thing that was going to happen was maybe some guys sprouting wings or something equally as ridiculous!

With each new escapade, Reno felt a growing respect bloom for the boy who stumbled from one bit of trouble to next, never realizing the huge scandal that was brewing within ShinRa's very own walls because of him. Kid didn't have to do anything, but show up and something was bound to happen.

"Palmer, my man, you really need to curb that appetite of yours – and I don't mean for lard."

Just one thing after another for the poor princess here. At the very least everyone knew old Palmer was a mooching lech from a department that was slowly decaying into nothing. With ShinRa slowly pushing its sights onto something closer to home rather than the stars, money was being routed more to the Weapons department as well as the army itself. Why bother exploring space when you could just as easily grab neighbouring land?

"Huh. Didn't know the Director of SOLDIER liked 'em young...that's _gross_ yo."

And surprise of all surprises, the kid actually fought back. Sort of. Flailing ineffectively, Reno just watched, unimpressed yet somehow still managing to amuse the watchful Turk.

"This'll cause trouble."

Though Lazard was not high priority, the man was still an executive at ShinRa and one of the cleaner ones, to boot. A good reputation that the company could not afford to get stained; they needed at least one good patsy lying around in case someone needed to take the blame. Couldn't blame the guy for going for broke, though. Lazard Deusericus was a very hard working man and probably as repressed as the rest of his SOLDIERs. Whatever was making them act funny was also making their boss act grossly out of character.

"Should probably do something about that."

And just as Reno lifted up the PHS to make a phone call to Tseng again, an odd sort of miracle occurred.

Like some force of nature, it began to squall within the director's office, allowing Reno's princess to dash out of there as quickly as he could and having a run-in with the resident Icicle of SOLDIER, the general of the hour – Sephiroth. And right here, maybe, just maybe, Reno felt a little sorry for the kid. No, scratch that. Extremely sorry. If Sephiroth had his shots like a good boy and went loopy there would be no reprieve for Cloud, who was standing in front of the SOLDIER First.

But here was where the miracle happened.

Like a motherfrickin' gentleman, Sephiroth swept off his coat and wrapped it around Cloud. No fondling. No kissing. No inappropriate touching. Just..._coat_!

Reno pinched himself then. Ow! Nope. Not dreaming. Sephiroth just took off his signature coat as if nothing was out of the ordinary and draped it over the princess' shoulders. It was like watching a scene right out of some chick flick where a prince comes galloping right in on a white horse to save his love interest.

What was even – now things were getting really good!

"Way to go Cloud. You sure scored pretty good with – hey, hey, _hey_! Where're you going, yo?! I was cheering you on and everything! Get yo ass back there with Sephiroth!"

Just as soon as Sephiroth did the most gallant and noble of things, Cloud dashed off screen and into the nearest elevator as fast as his lanky legs could take him. Deflated and put out, Reno got back to calling Tseng and giving him a juicy report, whilst getting an update on their possibly mako poisoning situation. And what he heard on the other end did not sit well. Oh, no. The hero of Reno's mental soap drama was in danger!

**- - c C c - -**

So having the great boss that was Tseng Reno found out that some of the vats did, in fact, become contaminated with some foreign material. An inexplicable concoction that should have had no bearing on the results of the mako treatments, but obviously caused side effects regardless. Something to do with genetics or some such scientific mumbo jumbo that the redhead had no business knowing and made his business not to know – a black suit did not go messing around on science department grounds, if it could be helped.

A code all Turks lived by; don't mess with science! Reno was more of a demolition kind of man himself.

An order was issued. Round up the contaminated SOLDIERs and find a way to hide all of the scandals. Reno had been left with the lovely job of taking care of the one growing scandal he'd been keeping a close, almost stalkerish eye on. At this point, Cloud had endeared himself to the redhead quite thoroughly. Watching his journey from one unfortunate event to the next made the male feel like they could be friends. Like they were friends in fact. Yes, he was going to be friends with the princess!

And not a moment too soon, either. From his little hidey hole filled with security monitors looked like he had found Cloud again, looking worse for the wear. Was the poor lad in his skivvies? Sweet Minerva's pants, that kid had the worst luck! Reno left the security room in a rush, hoping to catch the kid before he got himself into another messy scandal. With an oddly exhilarated air he got down to where the almost nude teen just as he bumped into a rather odd looking Angeal. Reno heard him mumble something softly, but he didn't catch it.

Well, whatever. Reno wasn't here for SOLDIER clean up. He was here to sweep the princess off of his feet!

Cloud sputtered and the elder SOLDIER groaned out a word that sounded like 'plate' – Reno really needed to work on his listening skills. Ignoring both of them, the Turk simply picked up the blond teen with a cocky grin aimed at the zoned out SOLDIER First. Huh. Must be contaminated, too, mused the redhead.

"I'm sorry, but your butt naked princess is in another castle, yo."

And then he absconded from the scene, his princess sputtering incoherently in his arms.

Oh, yes. Reno was a good Turk. A very good one, if he could say so himself. If not for his special skills, then at least for being the fastest one alive.

**Author's Note: **Guess who's back with a new chapter. From Reno's POV, about the strangeness of what's going on. I know Cloud's not a wimpy princess, but since it's an 'outsider's' point of view, well, can't be helped. Sorry for taking almost a year to get this out everyone. Reno is hard to write for me and I was distracted by Tumblr.

I also apologize for Reno being so damned random. But we needed some comic relief. So there you go.

The pervert count will return with the next chapter.

Crisis out!


End file.
